Blog entry for:

self-pity, and closed-mindedness, the four horses of my recovery apocalypse. i have seen that catastrophe before in my recovery. for me, it never ended up in the downward spiral of active addiction, but those fatal riders have taken out more than one of my peers, across the course of the days i have put together. this morning as i sat in traffic, through no fault of my own, i considered if i was actually doing the best i can, with what i have. part of the beauty of having a few days clean, is that i understand what i NEED to do on a daily basis, and it is certainly NOT checking my fantasy football score ever fifteen minutes, nor is it judging and denigrating the drivers around me.
some days i have the desire to enter into my victim mentality which always activates those four horsemen. all of a sudden, nothing is good enough, fast enough, nor bright and shiny enough. everything that i have no power over becomes an obstacle and i become less spiritually fit by the second. of course, that is all fantasy and not the football type. when i dwell in the shadow world of “not good enough” i miss all the opportunities i may have to get exactly what i need and some of the time, even some of the stuff i want. i see myself as less than everyone else and notions of how to return to equity with those around me start to fill my every waking moment. as i sat, stopped in the fast lane this morning, i started to drift in that direction and start the litany of all that was wrong in the world around me and whine about the lack of justice. i took a minute, had a swig of coffee and remembered that i was the only one who was clocking my time to sit down and get to work.
sitting here and dumping out the garbage i created for myself this morning, i can see that i have all that i need. i have a home, a job, a career, loving relationships, friends who want me in their lives and a bit of self-worth. when i weigh the evils of the world around me, with the good stuff that i have, the good stuff winds out, at least just for today. i have a path before me that includes becoming the sort of person i never was, nor could ever be, IF i had not come to find a place where i could recover from active addiction. it is that place i now find myself in and one i wish to remain in, as the day progresses. so it is time to post this little purging exercise, accept that everything is just the way it is supposed to be and realize that nothing today, is fVcked, so far anyhow, that may change but i am not going to go out of my way to seek that out.

∞ DT ∞