Blog entry for:

through which i see my life.
well this morning was a continuation of the frustration i started feeling two nights ago, except in an entirely different way and manner. as much as i would like to say, that i can just let go of something, i still get stuck in the same place. part of it, is the way i live my life as a ritual that NEEDS to be repeated exactly as it was yesterday. part of it is my desire to have some power and yet i keep having to be powerless. most of it, is that i want what i want and i want it now.
i came to a very sad realization last night, after speaking to a man i sponsored on the phone. that realization? that is i use, things will be all i have, as in material things. the people who love and care for me will withdraw and as i seek out love from others, my risk taking behavior will continue to increase until the results are intolerable. as a result, as i spin down, material possessions, their acquisition and my retention of what is mine, will become more and more important to me, just because they have countable value. knowing this, will certainly help me adjust my attitudes and opinions of how things work. the paradox is that it is really my connections to other people and the ability to trust them, that is actually of value. that value, can be replenished by me participating actively in those relationships or sucked dry, by taking and expecting more, until there is nothing left. why is this becoming so clear to me here and now? more than likely, because that is where i am in my program of recovery. my defects of character are what blocks me from becoming the person i have always wanted to be. expectations and insanity is part and parcel of that subset of personality traits that have been warped out of proportion.
anyhow, this deep line of thinking could go on and on, but today, i think i will just let it pass and knuckle down, secure that today i have a job, today i have a program. more importantly, today i have a path that teaches me that what i thought reality was, is not what it is, and that reality changes from moment to moment and all that looks dark and bad, may actually be something that is good for me. it is after all, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞