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if my **glasses** are smudged or dirty, the whole world appears distorted. to insure my vision of life is in focus, i have to bring my ideas in line with reality. so here i sit on a cold, cloudy Saturday, wondering how to proceed. no i do not think my **glasses** are dirty, in fact i do believe they are the cleanest they have been years. events on the home front have necessitated that i stay close to home today, when my intention was to step back into a service commitment that i resigned from on Monday morning. of course, when i hear myself say that, especially in such vague terms i think "right, as if anyone is going to believe that line, they will just think that you have not really gotten over the consequences of your step work."
and you know what, this morning it does not really matter to me, judge and condemn away, i have no intention of joining that behavior queue. i know what i know and i know what i feel, and for me, today, it is important to be present in the here and now, right where i am.
so what was the topic at hand? oh yeah, adjusting my ideas and attitudes, so they more closely resembled reality. but before i can adjust them, i need to examine them to see how distorted they are today.
first off, is who am i? well i am an addict in recovery. no better, nor worse than any other addict in recovery. while the number of days in a row i have clean, is an important attribute, that number, by itself is of little significance, as i am certain that clean time DOES NOT EQUAL recovery. my time in service is just that -- time in service to the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living -- i am no wiser than anyone else, and the honest truth they are no wiser than me, when it comes to how best to serve the fellowship. my ideas are no less unimportant than theirs, and the time for me to be certain about this, is upon me. i have been dealing with bruised feelings for a week now, and why are my feelings bruised? because i was told flat out, that what i felt was wrong and what was supposed to be about me, was swallowed and puked back about them. well, after letting this go, in one form or another across the course of the past few days, i can finally put this in its proper perspective. i am who i am, i am not the product of what other people think, nor should i try and live up to anyone else’s unspoken expectations. the path i have been set upon, allows me freedom from being defined bu others, and no matter who they are, no matter how much clean time they have and no matter what my relationship was or even is now. i am the person who needs to define who he is, and the freedom i have been given will allow that process to actually get rolling with a bit of vigor. the reality of my current outlook is finally starting to match the reality of my life, and the reading this morning is helping me to finally see that, perhaps for the first time in my life. i may be a product of my genes and my culture, but i do not have to allow myself to be a victim to that anymore, blaming who i am today, on genetics, American culture, or relationships is still playing the victim, and today i would rather be empowered rather than victimized. freedom form that role is a wonderful feeling and one that i will cherish today. i am the defining power of who and what i am, and the only constraints on becoming the man i have always meant to be are placed there by me. so just for today, i will decide to stop being my own worst enemy. it is a good day to let go of what i expected to do, and adjust for what i need to do, for me and for those whom i love. anything less would be a betrayal of the current process within my life.

∞ DT ∞