Blog entry for:

of the world is not really the problem, it is how i SEE the world and everything in it, that is the actual problem. i understand that the events of current times are disturbing and many of the final outcomes are far beyond my control. i also understand that all around me, i see examples of lunacy and just plain self-entitled, self-will bullsh!t. does that mean that all is bad, woe is me, and i need to run and hide in the nearest fallout shelter for the next three-plus years? not really, but it also does not mean that i merrily traipse through life, being blithely obtuse about what is happening around me, pretending that a good attitude and positive attraction will take care of all of that. or trip into the mysterious ways gig and believe that all of this, as sick and twisted as it may seem, is part of some divine plan. quite a caveat, when the reading suggested that if i changed my attitude, my view of the world would change
i am at heart a cynic, and one that is learning to allow FAITH in a program of recovery and HOPE of becoming the sort of person i have always wanted to be,m replace the FEAR that has pervaded my life since i first got clean. yes i know the cynicism and hope, do seem to be mutually exclusive and the tension that creates inside of me, feels at times, that it will rip me apart, spilling my spiritual guts all across the landscape. what i have seen happening for me, is that HOPE is starting to temper the cynic and i am not nearly as dark or nihilistic, as i once was. sure i can certainly see the downside of something much easier and quicker than the upside, but at least these days anyhow, i am looking for the upside, instead of assuming none exists.
the program of recovery, upon which my FAITH is based, provides me the means to live a better life, both spiritually and emotionally. i can see the good in my fellows travelers, as well as the bad, it is within me, that form time to time, i have trouble discerning the good. especially when the void left by that overwhelming FEAR, becomes more noticeable to me. so adjusting my world view to come out from under the cloud of FEAR, is certainly a task i can undertake today. as i wrap this up, i will remember that what i am feeling today, is the RESULT of that tiniest bit of HOPE i first got all those days ago. it is the FAITH that even i, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new and different manner in which to live. i can allow a new set of FEARS and anxieties to come and reside in that void my ancient FEAR has left, or i can allow an active program of recovery, to fill that emptiness with something else and not worry about what that something else may be. it is a good day to walk with my head a bit higher and be okay with letting go of an expectation or three.

∞ DT ∞