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and the new reality they have given me.
my reality today is very intense. i heard my phone ring at 4 am or so, and ignored it, as it was one of those ringtones that was not urgent. that was not the case however, i had not assigned my family ringtone to my little sister and she certainly had a jolt of reality, for me to deal with, when i woke up. the love of my life was up and getting ready for work, and when she told me my sister had called, i knew i was in for a bumpy start to my day. it seems that our nephew had decided to take his own life, last night. the details are still a bit sketchy, and i am not certain how accurate of a reporter my niece, his sister, was in the here and now, but if what she said was true, this will certainly be a day for me to be present for. right now, i am still feeling numb, and angry that addiction has stolen the life of yet another. okay, i need to be honest here, he never believed that he was one of us, a member of the addiction club and the principles of the program tells me, that is a decision that is made by each individual addict. he certainly displayed all the symptoms of addiction and for me to add anything more, cheapens his short and painful life. i do know this as fact, he liked to get away from it all, daily, in mass quantities of alcohol. he was unable to forgive his mother for her perceived sins against him and he refused to accept life on its own terms. years ago, i offered him the solution that saved my life, and he told me that he did not believe that was something he wanted to do.
i can go on, but i now think that i have said enough about him and the time has come to focus on me and what i am feeling. i feel like i SHOULD be devastated and bawling my eyes out, in fact i feel more than a little bit ashamed that i had a stronger reaction to my dawg having to be put down than i do at the news of my nephew''s untimely self-inflicted end. in fact, before i made calls to his sisters, i tried to go back to sleep, as it was after all, only 4:00 in the AM! i feel so empty and devoid of any sort of feelings and in a bizarre and weird way, relieved that this is the end of his pain. what am i going to do? well for one, i am going to allow myself to feel whatever it is i am feeling. i am going to get some work done and show up at my parent's house at 9:00. i am going to go to a meeting, hopefully the 10 AM men''s meeting over in Boulder, but maybe the nooner here in town instead. most of all, i am going to stop judging how i am feeling and expecting myself to feel one way or another. i am going to keep moving and see what this day brings, one minute at a time. letting go of my expectations about what i SHOULD be feeling HOW i SHOULD be reacting and allow whatever i need to do, to happen.
TO JORGE: rest in peace my nephew, your short painful journey has ended. be certain that although i did not say it often enough i loved you and only wanted the best for you.
time to shower off and hit the road, so i have little to distract me the rest of today. i have a feeling i will be need elsewhere this morning and if i want to get some stuff done, i need to get cracking.

∞ DT ∞