โ i no longer need to create chaos to feel excited about my life โ
Posted: Thu, Jan 19, 2012 07:46:59 AM
my recovery gives me countless real-life opportunities for excitement and drama. well it is interesting that of all the passages that i could have picked i chose the one that mentioned creating chaos. that was my main task, back in the day and sometime the nostalgia for that behavior is almost overwhelming. life, however, has put enough unexpected twists and turns in my path the past few weeks, that i am now looking for the peace of certainty that comes when things just are.
a friend from high school contacted me through crack-book, yesterday. that brought up a whole bunch of unresolved feelings about that geographic location. it certainly was the result of me looking for some of those friends, the people that got me through the darkest place i have ever lived, but i have not quite figured out how to get together and spend time with him, in the short number of day that comprise his visit to the mile high city. when i looked at what my commitments were, and what i wanted to do, over the next few days, i realized that i am booked solid with one task after another and without exception, none of those are anything i want to give up, for one reason or another. some are commitment to myself and my recovery, some of those are commitment to the woman i love, and some are just part of my chill-axing process, that i so disparately need to get through life without having to exercise my yen to stir the pot as it were. it seems that these days time is my most precious resource and i do not have enough of it to do all that i want to do. which is, without a doubt a very luxurious bitch to be whining about.
i also heard a second and much softer theme emerge as i listened to the world around me, this morning. what i felt was some gratitude that i moved on from that dark place all those years ago. it is quite true, that i have not been well enough to go back, and quite honestly i may never be well enough to do so. from the comfort of my Denver bound bus, experiencing the feelings about who i was and where i was, is more of an intellectual exercise, rather than a spiritual one. there is still a part of me that desires revenge for all of the imagined evils, hurts, slings and arrows from those times, and when i ponder that whole train of thought, i can see that as a work in progress i have still have a ways to go. what this has done is opened a can of worms that cannot be closed and now i certainly have some material for my languishing FOURTH STEP, as i see more than one resentment that i need to address and the gift of my blast from the past is that now i can root out some more of the demons that covered up and buried in active addiction.
without even digging very deep, i see that chaos is still active in my life, within the framework fo my recovery, there really is no need for me to create any more.
which brings me to my final theme today. i have letters from two incarcerated sponsees on my desk. one of them shows some depth of recovery, the other not so much. what i feel when i think about those, is am i doing enough to deepen my recovery experience today. that is something i think i will carry forward with me through this day and see where i am when i take my own inventory tonight. it is, as i have heard it said, a good day to be clean.
a friend from high school contacted me through crack-book, yesterday. that brought up a whole bunch of unresolved feelings about that geographic location. it certainly was the result of me looking for some of those friends, the people that got me through the darkest place i have ever lived, but i have not quite figured out how to get together and spend time with him, in the short number of day that comprise his visit to the mile high city. when i looked at what my commitments were, and what i wanted to do, over the next few days, i realized that i am booked solid with one task after another and without exception, none of those are anything i want to give up, for one reason or another. some are commitment to myself and my recovery, some of those are commitment to the woman i love, and some are just part of my chill-axing process, that i so disparately need to get through life without having to exercise my yen to stir the pot as it were. it seems that these days time is my most precious resource and i do not have enough of it to do all that i want to do. which is, without a doubt a very luxurious bitch to be whining about.
i also heard a second and much softer theme emerge as i listened to the world around me, this morning. what i felt was some gratitude that i moved on from that dark place all those years ago. it is quite true, that i have not been well enough to go back, and quite honestly i may never be well enough to do so. from the comfort of my Denver bound bus, experiencing the feelings about who i was and where i was, is more of an intellectual exercise, rather than a spiritual one. there is still a part of me that desires revenge for all of the imagined evils, hurts, slings and arrows from those times, and when i ponder that whole train of thought, i can see that as a work in progress i have still have a ways to go. what this has done is opened a can of worms that cannot be closed and now i certainly have some material for my languishing FOURTH STEP, as i see more than one resentment that i need to address and the gift of my blast from the past is that now i can root out some more of the demons that covered up and buried in active addiction.
without even digging very deep, i see that chaos is still active in my life, within the framework fo my recovery, there really is no need for me to create any more.
which brings me to my final theme today. i have letters from two incarcerated sponsees on my desk. one of them shows some depth of recovery, the other not so much. what i feel when i think about those, is am i doing enough to deepen my recovery experience today. that is something i think i will carry forward with me through this day and see where i am when i take my own inventory tonight. it is, as i have heard it said, a good day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞