Blog entry for:

Thu, Jan 19, 2012 07:46:59 AM


≈ i no longer need to create chaos to feel excited about my life ≈
posted: Thu, Jan 19, 2012 07:46:59 AM

 

my recovery gives me countless real-life opportunities for excitement and drama. well it is interesting that of all the passages that i could have picked i chose the one that mentioned creating chaos. that was my main task, back in the day and sometime the nostalgia for that behavior is almost overwhelming. life, however, has put enough unexpected twists and turns in my path the past few weeks, that i am now looking for the peace of certainty that comes when things just are.
a friend from high school contacted me through crack-book, yesterday. that brought up a whole bunch of unresolved feelings about that geographic location. it certainly was the result of me looking for some of those friends, the people that got me through the darkest place i have ever lived, but i have not quite figured out how to get together and spend time with him, in the short number of day that comprise his visit to the mile high city. when i looked at what my commitments were, and what i wanted to do, over the next few days, i realized that i am booked solid with one task after another and without exception, none of those are anything i want to give up, for one reason or another. some are commitment to myself and my recovery, some of those are commitment to the woman i love, and some are just part of my chill-axing process, that i so disparately need to get through life without having to exercise my yen to stir the pot as it were. it seems that these days time is my most precious resource and i do not have enough of it to do all that i want to do. which is, without a doubt a very luxurious bitch to be whining about.
i also heard a second and much softer theme emerge as i listened to the world around me, this morning. what i felt was some gratitude that i moved on from that dark place all those years ago. it is quite true, that i have not been well enough to go back, and quite honestly i may never be well enough to do so. from the comfort of my Denver bound bus, experiencing the feelings about who i was and where i was, is more of an intellectual exercise, rather than a spiritual one. there is still a part of me that desires revenge for all of the imagined evils, hurts, slings and arrows from those times, and when i ponder that whole train of thought, i can see that as a work in progress i have still have a ways to go. what this has done is opened a can of worms that cannot be closed and now i certainly have some material for my languishing FOURTH STEP, as i see more than one resentment that i need to address and the gift of my blast from the past is that now i can root out some more of the demons that covered up and buried in active addiction.
without even digging very deep, i see that chaos is still active in my life, within the framework fo my recovery, there really is no need for me to create any more.
which brings me to my final theme today. i have letters from two incarcerated sponsees on my desk. one of them shows some depth of recovery, the other not so much. what i feel when i think about those, is am i doing enough to deepen my recovery experience today. that is something i think i will carry forward with me through this day and see where i am when i take my own inventory tonight. it is, as i have heard it said, a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

∞  mountains or mole hills?  ∞ 325 words ➥ Wednesday, January 19, 2005 by: donnot
∞ climbing mountains or tripping over molehills ∞ 592 words ➥ Thursday, January 19, 2006 by: donnot
∞ mountain-sized problems happen sometimes, but i do not need to create them. ∞ 314 words ➥ Friday, January 19, 2007 by: donnot
α when i find myself obsessed with a complication in my life, ω 123 words ➥ Saturday, January 19, 2008 by: donnot
μ even me, one who has found some measure of serenity … 526 words ➥ Monday, January 19, 2009 by: donnot
∉ trust in a HIGHER POWER will put most of my problems into their proper perspective ∉ 435 words ➥ Tuesday, January 19, 2010 by: donnot
⇔ when i stop living in the here and now, my problems become magnified unreasonably. ⇔ 527 words ➥ Wednesday, January 19, 2011 by: donnot
¡ my recovery gives me countless real-life opportunities ! 479 words ➥ Saturday, January 19, 2013 by: donnot
♦ i will take a realistic look at my problems ♦ 531 words ➥ Sunday, January 19, 2014 by: donnot
∧ recovery gives me countless real-life ∧ 609 words ➥ Monday, January 19, 2015 by: donnot
☠ making mountains ☠ 630 words ➥ Tuesday, January 19, 2016 by: donnot
👺 blowing problems 👹 544 words ➥ Thursday, January 19, 2017 by: donnot
🌬 these days, 🌪 441 words ➥ Friday, January 19, 2018 by: donnot
🌑 a realistic look 🌕 533 words ➥ Saturday, January 19, 2019 by: donnot
🏔 there are countless 🏔 431 words ➥ Sunday, January 19, 2020 by: donnot
🏃 doing the footwork 🏃 515 words ➥ Tuesday, January 19, 2021 by: donnot
🏔 mountain - sized 🏔 350 words ➥ Wednesday, January 19, 2022 by: donnot
😵 no longer 😶 418 words ➥ Thursday, January 19, 2023 by: donnot
Spacer Image

☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

2) The report of that fulfilment is the regular, unchanging rule.
To know that unchanging rule is to be intelligent; not to know it
leads to wild movements and evil issues. The knowledge of that unchanging
rule produces a (grand) capacity and forbearance, and that capacity
and forbearance lead to a community (of feeling with all things).
From this community of feeling comes a kingliness of character; and
he who is king-like goes on to be heaven-like. In that likeness to
heaven he possesses the Tao. Possessed of the Tao, he endures long;
and to the end of his bodily life, is exempt from all danger of decay.