Blog entry for:

at my problems, certainly will give more than a moment to pause and put things into perspective. yesterday was one of those days here in the front Range where we had a bewildering mix of weather. as i left work in a snow squall that dumped inches of heavy wet snow in a very brief time, i decided that rather than exercising my initial plan, that i would drive home instead. for the second Friday in a row, i allowed the weather, fleeting and temporary as it was, to dictate my choices. another choice that was “blamed” on the wild, wet weather was to stop and get a $0.89 fix, to help me make it home. while that little cigar was enjoyable, and i have to admit it was, it certainly does not fit my narrative about being freed from my slavery to nicotine, regardless of what i may proclaim. this morning, it is true, i still GET to choose whether or not i will stop and get another one, but a whole bunch of them, or just abstain, but as i frame that decision, i see the addict that is me, using the tools of recovery against me. i can hear the whole rationalization ramping up ⇛“if i am going to continue to smoke these little monsters even occasionally, and since my finances are a mess, why not buy a whole shit-ton of them, to save money‽” the fact of the matter may be, i may have has days off of nicotine and passed ,y nicotine level test for my health insurance, but i am far from freed from my slavery to nicotine and for two Fridays in a row, i have allowed myself to listen to the addict within and start my journey back into the smoky darkness.
not quite a mountain, but much more than a molehill and it is the internal drama, rather than the slings and arrows of life that is driving this angst. the mess my finances are in today, is because i trusted someone to do the next right thing twice, when their goal was to get as much money out of me, before they made the bar too high. the first time i had to “borrow” to stay on their program, i should have cut and run. when this latest one came knocking at my door, i did everything in my power to get enough information to help shut them down. whether or not i succeeded has yet to be seen, and i may have to ramp up my campaign to get them shut down. even this mountain of debt, can be tamed and i have already made great strides in doing so. anyhow, it is time to get up, move around a bit before heading over to my home group and become willing to let go. yes, i have decide that today i will choose not to use tobacco, now all in have to do i surrender to that choice and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to give me what i need to implement that choice, just for today.

∞ DT ∞