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there are countless real-life opportunities for excitement and drama, that does not mean i cannot go out an manufacture one or more new ones! oh the places i could go with this topic. part of the reason i am on my frugality kick lately, is that i have this nagging notion that i just might be spending more than i ought to be spending. even though my bills are paid on time and my overall debt is being reduced, i still “worry” about money. i, like many of those who are in my life, have always had an very interesting relationship with money, namely spend it as fast as i get it, savings are for wimps and deferred gratification sucks. as i grow-up in my recovery, i see that relationship and set of attitudes need to change. i could blame culture, society or my parents about having the attitude that happiness can be bought on an easy installment plan basis, but the truth is, no matter where i got that attitude from, i NEED to take responsibility to change it. i may be powerless about what i already have, namely being a spendthrift, but i am not powerless about where i can go today and beyond, learning to get myself more fiscally responsible and learning how to live within my means and plan for a day down the road.
looking at the rest of the reading,although i can also see myself moving into that spending sleepless nights in front of my computer calculating income and expenses and wondering where the fVck it all went to, the message that hit me the hardest was the one of not going out and stirring the pot, just to feel excited about my life today. that behavior is very familiar to me, and is driven by my need to feel powerful and in control. if i can wreak a tiny bit of chaos in the lives of others, than i am that much more superior and closer to being supreme. in the long run, however, it goes back to being a spendthrift. that is a symptom of my less than stellar self-esteem. the more things i can display, the more supreme i am, and the more supreme i am, well one knows where that story line goes.
right here and right now? well, it is time to wrap this up, get showered and shaved and head on down to the pl;ace that pays me well enough for me to dispaly the wealth i do not have, just for today.

∞ DT ∞