Blog entry for:

i have to admit, that staying in the here and now and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of me. the problems i am having as i deal with my aging parents and managing their ability to enjoy their lives, seem intractable. the cavalier manner in which i treated him and my simmering anger at my M om for not getting up and attempting to do stuff for herself, still weighs heavily on my mind. as a result, i am doing all sports of unhealthy stuff to assuage my feelings and deal with my FEAR of their unwritten future and letting myself make the sort of excuses and rationalizations that accompanied my using between the time of my first meeting and the day i got clean. i tell myself i “deserve” to do this, as it relieves my stress. where all of that tap-dancing leaves me is in a place of self-deprecating loathing and wondering whether this recovery gig is really paying off. it is more than a bit ironic that doing the next right thing, is triggering all sorts of issues with my self-worth.
as i take a minute to ponder what i just wrote, i hear the voice of the part of me i call addiction, joining the chorus of this sad refrain. what it adds is that the solution is to simply run away and to do so , on the down-low. it tells me to pretend that i am in recovery and do a dip into a little drop of poison to take a time out from my life. after all, if i am careful and take the correct precautions i can “look” like i am clean and feel the relief a bit of using would give me. the lie here, is that that relief, no matter how welcome, is temporary and sooner or later i will still have to come back and face the “mountains” that seem to be dominating my life.
just for today, i know i can get through what pops up and get through it clean. i do not have the desire to use, and the notion of using is not something that i believe i will choose today. i have a program of recovery and i asked for the power to stay clean today. my life may not be perfect, serene or exactly how i would like it to be, but when i take a look at it, it is better than the twilit life i used to live. admitting my struggles with my inability to forgive myself, is certainly the first step towards accepting that the POWER that fuels my recovery, really does have my back. with that acceptance comes the feeling that all i have to do is cease fighting and all will be well. as one of my peers is apt to say: nothing is fVcked. i can go with that, just for right now and allow those mountains to become right-sized as this day progresses.

∞ DT ∞