Blog entry for:
Thu, Jan 19, 2023 02:12:47 PM
😵 no longer 😶
posted: Thu, Jan 19, 2023 02:12:47 PM
creating chaos to feel excited about my life, is a very apt start to this little exercise today. i started writing this, this morning, but decided to shovel snow, then come in and pond this puppy out. well i then decided to go to the Rec Center to workout, came home, got my work computer fixed and trotted off to the cigar store to work while enjoying a BIG smoke. well, the day has gotten away from me, and now it is mid-afternoon and i am not sure where i was going, all those hours ago. at least i saved my lead in, which is now the seed for what is on mind right now.
when i let my mind drift back to my using days and my daze in early recovery, i am quite certain that instigating chaos was what i was all about. although i wanted to live my life on an emotional “even keel,” i certainly wanted all sorts of crap spinning around me, more like a hurricane than a tornado as i wanted to cover a greater distance., by affecting more people. it filled me with glee to see a minimum amount of effort on my part, wreak havoc on so many. it was not until a few steps later that i begin to realize that this behavior was a symptom of low self-esteem and once i started to see myself as worthy of being in recovery, it served no purpose.
these days, as i do my best to live a program of active recovery, the last thing i truly desire is any sort of chaos, including but not limited to blowing little inconsequential things and events up to ginormous size. a year ago i was unemployed, as i had just been fired for failing to live up to expectations. i wrote about how i was doing the gig and i landed a job that pays very well and is well within my skill-set. i look at the chaos that surrounds me, out in the real world, and i would certainly desire for it to diminish to background noise. i can however, live very well, without taking any of that into my life. letting the chaos, roll off my back, as it were, is certainly a task i undertake on a daily basis, and just for today, i will let those molehills remain molehills and not inflate them into mountains.
when i let my mind drift back to my using days and my daze in early recovery, i am quite certain that instigating chaos was what i was all about. although i wanted to live my life on an emotional “even keel,” i certainly wanted all sorts of crap spinning around me, more like a hurricane than a tornado as i wanted to cover a greater distance., by affecting more people. it filled me with glee to see a minimum amount of effort on my part, wreak havoc on so many. it was not until a few steps later that i begin to realize that this behavior was a symptom of low self-esteem and once i started to see myself as worthy of being in recovery, it served no purpose.
these days, as i do my best to live a program of active recovery, the last thing i truly desire is any sort of chaos, including but not limited to blowing little inconsequential things and events up to ginormous size. a year ago i was unemployed, as i had just been fired for failing to live up to expectations. i wrote about how i was doing the gig and i landed a job that pays very well and is well within my skill-set. i look at the chaos that surrounds me, out in the real world, and i would certainly desire for it to diminish to background noise. i can however, live very well, without taking any of that into my life. letting the chaos, roll off my back, as it were, is certainly a task i undertake on a daily basis, and just for today, i will let those molehills remain molehills and not inflate them into mountains.
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
1) To know and yet (think) we do not know is the highest (attainment);
not to know (and yet think) we do know is a disease.