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creating chaos to feel excited about my life, is a very apt start to this little exercise today. i started writing this, this morning, but decided to shovel snow, then come in and pond this puppy out. well i then decided to go to the Rec Center to workout, came home, got my work computer fixed and trotted off to the cigar store to work while enjoying a BIG smoke. well, the day has gotten away from me, and now it is mid-afternoon and i am not sure where i was going, all those hours ago. at least i saved my lead in, which is now the seed for what is on mind right now.
when i let my mind drift back to my using days and my daze in early recovery, i am quite certain that instigating chaos was what i was all about. although i wanted to live my life on an emotional “even keel,” i certainly wanted all sorts of crap spinning around me, more like a hurricane than a tornado as i wanted to cover a greater distance., by affecting more people. it filled me with glee to see a minimum amount of effort on my part, wreak havoc on so many. it was not until a few steps later that i begin to realize that this behavior was a symptom of low self-esteem and once i started to see myself as worthy of being in recovery, it served no purpose.
these days, as i do my best to live a program of active recovery, the last thing i truly desire is any sort of chaos, including but not limited to blowing little inconsequential things and events up to ginormous size. a year ago i was unemployed, as i had just been fired for failing to live up to expectations. i wrote about how i was doing the gig and i landed a job that pays very well and is well within my skill-set. i look at the chaos that surrounds me, out in the real world, and i would certainly desire for it to diminish to background noise. i can however, live very well, without taking any of that into my life. letting the chaos, roll off my back, as it were, is certainly a task i undertake on a daily basis, and just for today, i will let those molehills remain molehills and not inflate them into mountains.

∞ DT ∞