Blog entry for:

into molehills, which is not generally the direction i take things. i have a friend and peer, who is in the process of making a very tiny blip on the radar into an event that is destroying any good-will, trust or solidarity that they might have built up over the course of their recovery. i could go on, but the fact that it is happening is enough to turn the focus back on to me and my behavior, as it i illustrative of how i can behave as well.
once upon a midnight dreary, as i pondered weak and weary, came a rapping a gentle tapping, upon my chamber door, which i quickly eliminated by firing thousands of rounds through that very same chamber door, causing it to be shredded into bits, as well as the room beyond, the walls surrounding and the ceiling as well. the tapping of the the raven may be gone, but so is the integrity of my home, sort of like the SWAT raid in Greenwood Village to capture a very dangerous shoplifter. inappropriate escalation, tap dancing around the truth and plain out ignoring those who might be able to help me the most, is generally my next set of behaviors and now all of a sudden, i am alone, lonely and wondering how the fVck my life turned into such a mess, so quickly.
the reading, provides an example with far less hyperbole, but the idea is the same. instead of looking at each and every problem as insurmountable, i need to take each one, separate into the parts i have power over and apply myself to that side, leaving the rest in the care of the quite capable POWER that fuels my recovery. instead of destroying that house to “get their man,” the police could have just shut-off the power and water and that oh so dangerous shoplifter, more than likely would have come out on his own, after a bit of time. the irony? he was not even there, their intelligence was wrong and they destroyed a house and most of the residents' belongings, without checking to see if he was even there. cannot pay all my mortgage, fVck it, i will not pay any of it and i will spend that “extra” money on something that makes me feel better. snub me for a party invitation or social function, well i will show you, i will just go use or engage in some other unsavory behavior. see how you feel when i come crawling back in the rooms, with one day clean!
it is so ludicrous, how i react and what i think is an appropriate response, that i am grateful that i have a methodical and active program of recovery in my life. it does not guarantee that i will go off the deep end and participate in any or all of the examples listed above, but it does give me a fighting chance to derail that process, before it is way too late. life can be tough, people can suck, all kinds of expectations are piled upon me, by society, my loved ones, my peers, my employer and worst of all myself. the fact is, if i stop, take a breath, and allow that very same program to kicks in, i can keep the problems in my life right-sized, Goldilocks style, just right! it is however time to meet the expectations of my employer, which includes but is not limited to showing up on time, with my tools in hand, ready to provide them at least eight hours of my unceasing effort , on their behalf. that too, my friends is a gift of my recovery.

∞ DT ∞