Blog entry for:

far out of proportion, even after a few days of doing this active recovery gig.
i went to a meeting last night, and guess what, it did not totally suck. it is quite true, however, that there was no treatment facility bus in the parking lot and that most of those attending had sponsors and are actually working a program. the concern i wrote about yesterday did not surface last night, and that makes perfect sense, as that meeting is so much unlike the meeting the night before, i wonder how the same people can be so freaking different. what really matters is that i am now resolved to do my part in bringing the Tuesday meeting back into the fold of recovery and out of the feel good, psycho-babble treatment speak. the problem as i see it now, is that when a meeting gets flooded with treatment denizens, they talk about what they are familiar with, which in this case happens to be: all fellowships are the same; sobriety = clean time; and any differences in language are mere semantic sleight of hand.
dealing with that mountain, i can now move on to what is really bothering me these days. i am getting sick to death, yeah maybe not that sick, of people telling me they will do something and just flake out. in fact i told a close friend and sponsee the other night, that deeds speak louder than words, when he told me he was actually going to do some step work. i probably came on far too strong and far too publicly about it, and i can rationalize and justify all that i want to, the fact is that let him know in no uncertain terms what i thought of his declaration of intent. what i see that as, is a reaction to those who keep mouthing off about how well they are recovering then decide to act as the resident creep. that same man, the one who i chided the other night, once said that when i am saying i am being humble, humility flies out the window. the same goes for bragging about whatever spiritual principle happens to be my flavor of the day. when i am saying how fVcking honest i am, i am usually trying to hide something. forgiving? nursing a major resentment! open-minded? living in bias and prejudice! the list goes on and on, and since i practice that principle of obfuscation, i am quick to detect it in others. since i feel bad when i catch myself doing, i feel angry when i see others living that lie, and performing as the resident creep du jour. so what could be a perfect teaching opportunity for the men i sponsor, quickly morphs into sh!t show of emotional wreckage for me, and most often results in my needing to apply the corrective part of the TENTH STEP. <SIGH>
anyhow, time to get bundled up and moving down the road. it is a great day to be clean and even a better one to look at my life and conquer mountains that actually mountains and leave the molehills as they are.

∞ DT ∞