๐ beyond mere abstinence, ๐
Posted: Tue, Mar 10, 2026 10:42:28 AM
i need people who are real with me, and help me get real, as well. trusting others with my shit was never easy for me. coming to a place where i was expected to trust others and ask for their feedback, was something worse than fingernail on a chalkboard to me. i know that IF i want to continue to grow in my recovery, i NEED to trust and accept advice and feedback from those i have come to trust, even if everything inside of me is screaming not to do so. my life in recovery is full of those little paradoxes and actions i have come to accept as the only way for me to stay in a state of active recovery, rather than simple abstinence.
as i sat this morning i kept coming back to the way back when i first got clean and believed that everyone in the rooms were reporting back to my probation officer. i trusted no one, especially if they were who they said they were, addicts just like me. i adjusted my “outside” to look like them and to appear much more willing, honest and open-minded that i truly was. i kept what was going on between my ears and in my heart to myself, counting on looking good enough to pass for an addict in recovery. looking good was way more important than feeling good or being good. that “internal isolation” that kept me from seeking the real help i needed, until shit got too much for me to deal with on my own, was certainly the lie i was living under made real. even though it would be decades before i finally dealt with that lie, i started to become a bit less hesitant at letting at least the best parts of me show.
these days? well on this side of the coming out form under the rock that kept me from being who i am, i am more willing to show up and be more than just suited up. i share who and what i am with my peers and recovery. i ask those i have come to trust for their feedback and advice and actually make changes in my life to implement that feedback. my life may not quite be an open book, as the cliché goes, but it it is more open and honest than it has ever been before. i am still be uncovering who i am after removing the detritus that i burrowed into, to keep the world out and my shit in. today, however, i am more sure of my path forward, regardless of the torpedoes and landmines that may still exist, as i have FAITH that the program of recovery that i follow will provide me the implements of my construction and the POWER that fuels my recovery will give me the opportunity to get what i need, just for today.
as i sat this morning i kept coming back to the way back when i first got clean and believed that everyone in the rooms were reporting back to my probation officer. i trusted no one, especially if they were who they said they were, addicts just like me. i adjusted my “outside” to look like them and to appear much more willing, honest and open-minded that i truly was. i kept what was going on between my ears and in my heart to myself, counting on looking good enough to pass for an addict in recovery. looking good was way more important than feeling good or being good. that “internal isolation” that kept me from seeking the real help i needed, until shit got too much for me to deal with on my own, was certainly the lie i was living under made real. even though it would be decades before i finally dealt with that lie, i started to become a bit less hesitant at letting at least the best parts of me show.
these days? well on this side of the coming out form under the rock that kept me from being who i am, i am more willing to show up and be more than just suited up. i share who and what i am with my peers and recovery. i ask those i have come to trust for their feedback and advice and actually make changes in my life to implement that feedback. my life may not quite be an open book, as the cliché goes, but it it is more open and honest than it has ever been before. i am still be uncovering who i am after removing the detritus that i burrowed into, to keep the world out and my shit in. today, however, i am more sure of my path forward, regardless of the torpedoes and landmines that may still exist, as i have FAITH that the program of recovery that i follow will provide me the implements of my construction and the POWER that fuels my recovery will give me the opportunity to get what i need, just for today.
∞ DT ∞