Some memes

and appreciating that i possess some of the same qualities i admire in others. i have to admit, that this little snippet from my source material, was not where i was going this morning. in fact, i was leaning towards yet another bashing of how poorly i am doing, in muting the inner critic and how that haunts me throughout my day. i know my assignment for completing my second step was to look for patterns that drive this “self-talk” and the one i recognized this morning, was that often, in this particular exercise, i lean towards what is wrong with me, rather than celebrating what is right. although i am loathe to totally silence looking at the negative bits, i can see that for me to be healthy, there needs to be a bit more balance. i do not wish to become a “Sammy Sunshine,” but i need to move on from being a “Donnie Downer.”
what exactly does that mean? well for one, i can say that the inner critic is loudly screaming in my head “but dude, that is not who you are. you are a cynical piece of shit, who never is satisfied with how well you are doing, regardless of all the external signs of progress.” that may be true, but that does not mean i want it to remain true. i see it as a metamorphosis of the the lie that ruled my life as the “TRUTH” for so long and an attempt to keep me from becoming a more balanced and yes, less cynical ASSHOLE. i have the desire to open my mind to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, this old dawg can learn a new trick or two.
as i consider what i have done well, this morning, and yes it is way early, i can see that i maintained my spiritual program by allowing myself to participate actively in a period of conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery. i adhered to my routine, because it works, and not because i “should.” i may be considered a creature of habit, perhaps to a fault. some of the habitual behaviors i have set-up, however, are good for me, such as a physical fitness routine. i was getting down on myself, because that routine had to be stepped down as my body heals from a period of training possibly a bit too much. here is where the rubber hits the road. there are three ways this can go:

• continue training with the intensity i have been and take myself out with injury
• cut back and allow myself to heal and see it as a necessary part of being nearly sixty-eight years old
• or stop training telling myself i could never do this anyhow!

option two is my choice this morning.
with that in mind, i will leave my problem with work behind, check the weather report and head out for a low impact workout. along the way, i will see how many times i have the desire to judge someone who crosses my path and whether or not i am “justified” in seeing them in that light. chance are, it is me playing the asshole card, as i am more than clueless about what is going on in their lives. i am pretty sure that my negative view of self, arises from seeing the wort in others.

∞ DT ∞