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will not change my less than stellar past, or the scary uncertain future. i have yet to hear from anyone that they were so glad that they spent their time fretting over what could not be changed, past or future and yet time and again i find myself doing exactly that. the amount of time i waste daily living in the the “i should have, could have and if i had,” sucks. the only good news is that amount of time is measurably less and less, even on a daily basis. i am certainly hopeful; that it diminishes to just the amount of time it takes to correct my wrongs in real time and to review my day in a daily inventory. worrying about the uncertain shape of what is to come, well i spend far too much time there as well. once again, there is hope, as more and more i have the FAITH that if i do the next right thing, the future will resolve in a manner that provides for all my needs.
there you have it, the rainbow-coloured unicorn version of the reading, in my own words. saying that and seeing progress is not obfuscating or denying anything, as all of the statements above are wholly truthful and presented without intent to deceive. the fact is, most humans are concerned about what they left behind and where they may be going. i believe that is a quite normal human trait, after all, if i forget my past, how do i learn the lessons that i was so painfully taught, by making a mistake or three. my problem is, that i seem to dwell on the misstep and the consequences paid, rather than focusing on how to avoid that same mistake over again. yes those who do not remember the past are certainly condemned to repeat it. i can also say without any artifice that my using helped me to avoid looking at any part of the days that had already passed, in fact, when i was in the height of my addiction, i was living in the here and now,at least in respect to what had already transpired. as i never made any mistakes, missteps or faux pas, there was always nothing to see there, so i moved along. in early recovery and as part of the process of working the steps, i find reliving the past, a painful exercise, to be avoided at all costs. what has happened, however, is that i now own my past. it is an integral part of who i am and provides a path for my future growth. i can live just for today, as a product of my past and be comfortable of that reality.
the future? well i am far from resolved in how top handle that piece of uncertainty and anxiety. as much as using relieved me of the burden of my past, it certainly never took away the anxiety about how i was going to continue living the “high life.” life in recovery does not excuse me from making plans and putting away my resources for my future care, but i can use those ways and means, spiritual principles, to take the actions i need, and leave the result up to the powers that are greater than myself. i am far from absolved from worry and yes in this day and age, there is much to worry about: creeping fascism, nuclear annihilation, global climate change, and idiot politicians who are nothing but nattering nabobs of negativity and discontent. it more than enough for me to seek some relief in a little sumthin', sumthin'. gratefully i have a way out of spinning about all of that, and it is called an active program of recovery.
just for right now, i think it is time to pack this in and head out to work. just for right now? i am okay with where i have been and not all that concerned about where i may be going, we will see how long that lasts.😋

∞ DT ∞