Blog entry for:

of the secret future, can be and has been something i obsess about, from time to time. today is a case in point, as i am certain of my decision, and now am working on how to implement it. that is something i decided to let go of, for now and allow my heart to catch up once again with my head. i know the direction in which i will move, just getting started on that path, is causing a bit of hesitation in my resolve. of course, what will happen and what might someone else think of my actions are also running through my head. as a result there are all sorts of shortcomings popping up to the surface, filling me with the desire to act out. in the here and now, as that was the point of my source material this morning, i am certain of what i need to do for me. i am certain that i cannot delay for very long. i am also certain that by walking through the unfounded FEAR that is consuming me, i will become a bit stronger.
my life as this person i do not recognize has slowly been coming into focus. as a result, i am finding that i can be connected, i can be a part of a crowd and i can enter a room and be confident that i know how to behave. these are nor skills i ever developed, or at least believed i developed. i am still an introvert, of sorts. i still feel comfortable alone. the worse thing i really need to discard, is my tendency to debase, abase and denigrate myself, at least in my own mind. i have learned to take a compliment without having to deflect it. i have also learned how to take criticism without forming an argument in my head and lashing against it. all of this make life in the here and now a whole lot comfortable for me and as i start to fill the skin i have been given, i know that more progress is possible.
today, i am going let go of everything else, enjoy some football and a couple of cigars. i do not hurry to complete anything today, except my laundry, so i can get out of the house and into that smoke filled room, paying no attention to anything but conversation, football, and a bit of Twitter, just for today.

∞ DT ∞