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and my relationships, are without a doubt two things i can wax nearly poetically about. the source material went on and on about all sports of extraneous details about symbols and their meaning, but when i sat, all of that flew out the window and all i heard was the nitty gritty part about how my relationships with self, society, my peers and GOD all involve some sort goodwill on my part. 🤵🏼 as i went over how things happen to be going for me spiritually and emotionally these days, i kept stumbling over one HUGE thang that was keeping me from exercising any goodwill towards one of my “friends.”
i know what i sound like on the phone, especially when i am frustrated or want to drive home a point. i have been working on moderating the tone, volume and content as i feel it rising within me, just oozing to come out. it is working as i have much better experiences with customer service representatives than i have ever had, and i have had no one hang up in the middle of a conversation, because i was too “aggressive.” my friend, who believe that i am angry with him, for failing to do what he desired, can only contact me by phone and has no clue how aggressive he sounds when he is speaking to me, especially when it comes to how i managing what is his. he seems to live in a world where he is always correct and is entitled to the total and abject respect from others, especially those with whom he is close. he has no clue what goodwill may be or how to exercise it, at least IMHO. for me, i have reached a place in my life, where i will no longer accept being bullied or treated as if i am some sort of scumbag making off with someone else's resources. here is where the goodwill comes in. i have to balance my desire to not be a doormat with the unreasonable and irrational expectations of my friend, so that i can maintain my own serenity and stability. knowing what i do, that is a tough balancing act and i sense one or more disconnections happening in the near future, no matter how hard i attempt to be okay with his crap.
the silver lining in all of this, is his behavior is a template for what i do not want to be. i know how to stay clean, just for today. i know that feelings are transitory and will fade, faster than i think, even if it feels like forever. i know that for me, the program of recovery that allows me to look for opportunities to practice goodwill, is a lifestyle for which i am grateful. i also know that taking this day off from work and easing into my lazy day, was just what i needed and the time has come to dress out and get some miles under the soles of my sneakers. more will certainly be revealed as this day goes on and all i have to do is be present for whatever comes and take any opportunities that may come my way, just for today.

∞ DT ∞