Blog entry for:

i have a tendency to write about what is not. that may seem a bit **negative** and perhaps it is. for me what i am is certainly defined by what i am not. extending that a bit, that also means my path through the recovery program that has been given to me from those who have walked it before me, is NOT like many of my peers. one thing that my program is, however, is a just for today program. i know i cannot grow on yesterday's work, even though i might be able to remain abstinent. i know i will not thrive, unless i live a program of active recovery and dropping back into those familiar and comfortable behaviors that i developed in active addiction, will make my return to using, inevitable. i am one of those that needs the challenge of each day and seem to thrive when i push myself beyond the walls i have built. recovery allows me the freedom to do so, even when it means i might make a mistake or three across the course of my day.
even when i choose not to dwell in the past or the future, i still need both of those to define me now. the fact that over the course of the past ten days, i have dipped into a shortcoming or three, that i was fairly certain had been removed, indicates that there is still work for me to do. the fact that i am not progressing in my step work or professional skill-set, indicates i am in denial about what my future may bring. sure it is easy to dismiss both of those “red flags” as “bumps in the road,” and sweep them under the carpet of this being a program of “progress, not perfection.” that and five dollars may get me a good cup of coffee, but it will not foster much growth.
where do i go from here? well i think it is time to put this to bed and prepare for a longer work out than the past few days. i have been “slacking” a bit, but that probably is not a bad thing. just for today, i can get my steps in, i can be present at work, i can meet with a sponsee, i can respond appropriately to what happens and i can allow myself the creative freedom to recover, as i have been taught to do. most of all, i can use the lessons of the past few weeks to plan for the my future, rather than ignoring what brings me grief and angst. just for today, i am more “whole” than ever before and need to celebrate that fact.

∞ DT ∞