Some memes

only at myself, i can be obsessed with what was taken away from me or what i never had. better put, to paraphrase a good friend: when do i get MINE! as a cynic, and i certainly own that i am one, i find source material that speaks to being optimistic or seeking optimism to be a bit too bright and shiny for me. it is not as if i walk around with a storm cloud over my head anymore, but i often wonder if the light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming in my direction, to mix a few metaphors. there certainly is good in my life and on the whole my life does not suck. most days i walk through this life of mine without any concern when the first shoe or the next will drop. my days of living by default in a state of victimhood are gone, but sometimes, the echoes of living in denial of responsibility still appeal to me. i remember fondly those carefree days, when relief was just a swallow away. to return to that state of being is more than a bit chilling thought and quite honestly, living in recovery, owning what i do and choosing how to live is a whole lot more appealing to me these days.
this morning as i was in the shower, i realized two years ago i could barely walk a mile, much less run four of them at a pace of just over ten minutes per mile. it is true, i was laid up because i went on an adventure of a lifetime, which was choice to grab an opportunity that came my way. i may complain about my pants falling off my flat ass, but the only reason the do so, is because my spare tire is evaporating away, day-by-day. the bright side is that my resting pulse is under sixty beats per minute, my waist size is a true thirty-two, i have registered for the Bolder Boulder and i hope to drop my time back into the fifties this year. once upon a time i would “dream” about that possibility, talk about it as i was getting high with my using buddies and do very little to make it come about, i would then whine, moan and fill the air with excuses, rationalizations and justifications as to why i could not make it happen. when i look at my current efforts through that lens, i can be a bit more optimistic about where i may be going.
i have a few things i wish to accomplish this morning before lunch time, so it is time to post this little ditty and move along. i am grateful that i an still be active and more importantly have the desire to be active and present for my life. i could mire myself in a pool of self-pity and live miserably as some of those who retire are apt to do. me, i am not going to allow myself to slide into the obscurity of a do-nothing life. i may not be writing code anymore, but i am learning and figuring out how to be creative, just for today.

∞ DT ∞