Some memes

difficulty with the word **should,** across the course of my life from the time i first learned to say no, up until the present day. one of the things that kept me coming back to the program, day after day, once i decided that i needed something more than mere abstinence was the fact no one told me i should do anything, no, in fact they kept saying “if you want what we have,” and “we suggest.” that however did not take the sting out of should, but it did present a path forward for me to accept a lot of what i once found unacceptable. the word should, however was not quite removed from my vocabulary and it still carried the weight of shame and “ought to” that it had always carried.
one thing i came to recovery with, was a strong ability to shame myself because i did or did not do something, correctly or incorrectly. i have often blamed the religion of my childhood for instilling such a deep ability to live in and with shame. BTW, if you are lost, one of my sponsors once told me that when i say i should have done or not done something, i was stepping beyond guilt and into shame. i have always accepted that, as it seemed to fit, so anyhow, i used to blame religion, and it was a very convenient scapegoat. i could get into all sorts of theosophical arguments here, but as i have uncovered by working the steps, was that i am not hard-wired by my culture or religion. i now have the ability to see where it lives and choose to dwell in that house.
it is not as if should has lost its power over me, that would be less than honest. i know what i ought to do, and for the most part i do it on a daily basis. i also and quite sure about what i ought not to do and that is the direction i get from the spiritual path i find myself upon. i also have a conscience these days, to i can quickly recognize where i have to admit i am wrong and the hardest part, forgive myself for acting in a less than stellar manner. when that happens the shoulds do not creep into my inner dialogue, when it does not, well that is when the cat-o-nine-tails, rears its ugly head and i punish myself for once again being human. just for today? well just for today, i can accept i am human and will make more than one misstep, mistake or misspeak, across the course of this day. some may injure others, most will injure myself as i am, of course, my favorite victim. what i am carrying forward is that i have the choice to punish or forgive myself these days, all i have to do, is allow it to happen.

∞ DT ∞