Blog entry for:

recovery battered and broken apart, full of secrets i planned to take to the grave. one of those secrets i finally revealed three years ago, to my sponsor, and by doing so freed myself from the lie i had been living for over half a century. this morning, as i knew that this would be my choice of source material, as i have written about dolphins frolicking in the surf too many times, i came to a place of accepting that learning how to love myself, without conditions or reservations, seems to be the focus of this set of steps. i also remembered that i told my sponse on Saturday that there was an itch in the back of my head that was giving me a warning that perhaps it was time to do my reading and writing and move on with my step work.
i have written about how denial and addiction kept me from seeing that i never loved myself, when i came to recovery. over the course of the days i have been clean, i have found the ways and means to love myself a little bit more and forgive myself for being human. the part of me that cannot accept that i will make mistakes and stumble and even fall, on a daily basis, is that same part of me, that created and fostered the lie that i am too broken to be seen in public. as damaging as that was, it was how i lived and it is my experience that if one tells a lie often enough and with enough conviction, it becomes the “TRUTH.” countering the scars and healing after that long siege seems to be the path for removing the conditional love i feel for myself. i am ready to move on and perhaps, the time has come to do just that.
this morning, right here and right now, it is time to dress out and get my workout under my sneakers. i smoked too many cigars yesterday as i enjoyed seeing the Chiefs get trounced and i need to ameliorate some of that nicotine overdose. life in my skin is not too heinous on most days and when it starts getting tough, well i can remember that after all, i am only human and far from perfect. with that in mind, it is easier to love myself a little bit more, just for today.

∞ DT ∞