Blog entry for:

as opportunities to grow toward spiritual awakening. yeah, yeah, yeah, as if a few words in a book and some time clean, takes away the sting of being revealed just as i am. after all, for me, it does not matter how i feel, my overriding concern is how i LOOK!
at least that is still my first reaction. as i hang around and listen to my peers share their experience, strength and hope, i begin to see things a bit differently. amazingly, when i get my covers yanked and all of sudden, my feet of glass are exposed, well i still want to shrink away and hide. pretending, like the NSA, that nothing has changed; lying like big business, that what you see “is being taken out of context;” and tap dancing like i was in a Broadway musical, are instant reactions. the return to oops, now i got to get back under the covers and hide again. i know that game quite well, and as a result of a few steps, some time working a program, just as it was written and not piling anything else on top, i know that sometimes, reverting to the behaviors i entered recovery with, is not always the best course of action.that does not mean, that i say “Thank you very much, may i have another!” no i am not that well YET!:)
as i walk through my day, at least today, since now i am hyper-aware of how i am behaving, i will make the conscious choice to listen for the message, no matter how painful i may think it will feel. this is, after all, part of how i have been hard-wired. my life, from an early age was learning to avoid any pain, perceived or actual. avoidance techniques, included doing sh!t that would make me look bad, but doing my best to keep it under the covers. the consequences of being exposed cannot be made to go away, just by pretending the person who exposed for what i am, does not exist. stigmatization, always ends up biting me in the butt, because in the long run, i need all of the people who are part of my, whether or not i like or even respect them. punishing someone, because they spoke the truth, regardless if it spoiled a social event or not, is just plain wrong. i know i am wandering around what i really want to say. calling someone out, especially after it has already been revealed, is not what i am about today. what i am about today, is how i deal with the pain of people i love and respect. that pain, has to do with doing the next right thing, no matter how ill-advised, and getting slapped down for it. pretending i am something i am not, and having that revealed to the world is never a pleasant experience. been there, done that, got the T-shirt. as satisfying as getting even with the person that revealed me to the world may feel, especially if i use the proxy of my loved ones and friends to do my dirty work, is certainly part of my bag of tricks. recovery, however, has taught me to be honest, live with integrity, and express my gratitude for what little kindnesses i get in the course of my day. that means, that i help those who ask, how to deal with the pain of being left out, just because they chose to be who they are.
anyhow, after a whole lot of not saying what i really feel i want to say, yes even now i want to look good and oh so spiritual, i am grateful that at least for now, i can accept a being shown for who i really am. i do not have to go to the nearest meeting and shout out how faithful and honest i am, i just behave honestly and faithfully and the results are evident to anyone who chooses to look. the rub of that is, that most of the time, lying, cheating and thieving is more evident to those around me, than the effects of living a program, or at least that is how i perceive it to be. today, however, i will like i say i want to live and see what happens, after all, in just a few days, i will be far away and sitting in the sun, enjoying a well-earned break form the trauma and drama of living in the here and now.

∞ DT ∞