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that block my progress in my spiritual journey always seem to be self-imposed and self-enforced with EXTREME PREJUDICE. that is not to say that i never get past them. after eighteen months of thinking about writing a FOURTH STEP, that is almost a done deal. the fact that much of what i wrote goes back to the times before i ever used the for the very first time, is telling in and of itself. my belief that i was broken, came from events that occurred when i was five years old, and overt the years were constantly reinforced by me. anytime i was tempted to break out of the mold, i told myself that that the mold did not need to be broken, i already was and by staying in the expectations of the world around me, no one would ever get a clue about how broken i was. the first time i used, all of a sudden, the lie that had been screaming at me for so long, was finally quieted to a dull roar.
all of that ancient history was stuff i thought i had dealt with. in fact i had, i swallowed and suppressed it so i would not have to own it and now, as part of this 𔆐rude awakening” it is once again in my face and actually needs til be owned and dealt with for real. sweeping it under the carpet is an option that will no longer work for me. as painful as it is, i need to feel this pain, look at this LIE and replace that set of beliefs with something that is healthier and far more wholesome. the fact is, i could see myself using this stuff as an “excuse” for relapse and today, just for today, i do not want to choose that option.
as a result, i persevere and go through my days, knowing that soon enough, in GOD's time i will dump this shit by the roadside for the cosmic refuse collector to sweep up and deposit in the infinite and eternal bit bucket. once i let go of this, i can be freed to look at the next barrier in my way. what that may be, has yet to be revealed, but just for today, i will choose a spiritual awakening over changing how i feel and see what comes down the pike.

∞ DT ∞