Blog entry for:

well i hate to suddenly be jarred from unconsciousness, and the term rude awakenings seems implies such an experience in the spiritual, rather than the physical sense. but why should i waste your time prattling on and on about yet another a physical analogy to a spiritual event.
i now realize that when i arrived in the rooms, but before i had decided that i was a member, i had been nudged to some kind consciousness. i realized that that the substances i was using, and the means i went to so i could obtain them were causing a few problems in my life, but that did not necessarily mean that i was an addict nor that i would have to abstain from the use of all mind-altering substances the rest of my life. no what that little nudge told me, was that i had to find the means to use like normal people and be happy about that. but even that small jolt of reality led to my very first spiritual awakening --

• that i am an addict and my life is unmanageable.
• i am not responsible for my addiction, but i am responsible for my recovery.

so even way back then i was starting this whole slap in the face -> get a fresh look -> grow into someone more experience. and that very first transformation took the course of seven months, several more uses, some jail time, inpatient treatment and intensive out-patient treatment before it was complete, and the final nudge was the threat of prison. would i recommend that path to anyone else sampling recovery? not on your life, but for me, that was what was needed for that transformation to occur.
even today, i resist, well the term should probably be fight tough and nail, against the changes that are manifest in rude awakenings. i deny, rationalize, justify whatever insight that has been offered and do my level best to prevent those changes from occurring in my life. and then after i am all bloody and worn out i finally surrender and allow those rude awakenings to lead to the growth opportunities they are presenting. perhaps someday i will learn that resistance is futile and just accept things from the very instant they are manifest in my life. the bottom line is that although i fight against change and spiritual awakenings, i am very grateful for every single one that i have had. nothing has ever been revealed before its time and nothing that has been revealed has destroyed me, although sometimes it feels like it will shatter my carefully crafted world and life. the day i stop growing spiritually will be the beginning of the end for me, so right here and right now, i welcome whatever is coming my way today!

∞ DT ∞