Blog entry for:

if i expect to stay clean and recover.
i really do find this reading a great reminder about what it means to live a program of recovery. after the meeting last night where i heard mess from a 14 day wonder, whatever from a cross-talking, cross-fellowshipping member, i was struck between the eyes when a few members came back after being out using. the message i GOT, is DUDE, time to suit up, show up and man up, you are o different than any of them.
a rude awakening? perhaps, certainly a slap across the head by a spiritual two by four! as i survey the damage to my ego, which really is very slight, i wonder, how much grace i really have these days. is it really possible for me to go years without working a step and NOT use? is that really an experiment i want to try, based on the theory that i am not really an addict after all? when i trip across this particular land mine, i began to fantasize about what the act of getting high really means. seriously, clean time is no guarantee or proof against relapse, is it? not by a long shot, and yet there is nothing in my gut, burning a hole to free itself, and being who i am, sometimes that is what it takes.
so where am i today? right now passing under the Erie exit on southbound I-25, watching the sun rise over the plains and contemplat8ing the nature and doubting the depth of my recovery. it seems so amazing how easily i can discount the pain that using has always brought me. yes, even though i loathe this metaphor, the addict within is doing his pushups and patiently waiting for me to join him in the final act of desperation -- using just once!
is this an awakening? maybe, it certainly is a raw revelation. i can be just like those addicts i saw and heard at the meeting last night, if i stop surrendering and start THINKING that i have some power in this instance. the real question i need to face, is that after it is all over, will i have the COURAGE to crawl back, or will my ego keep me out? am i willing to chance everything on a theory shot full of holes, by my observation of others testing it out? the answer is, no way José. action is what is needed in the life of this addict and maybe today will be that day, or not. that decison is mine and mine alone and after what i witnessed and heard last night i am certain i am closer to moving than i have been in months, life is after all, pretty damn good today.

∞ DT ∞