Blog entry for:

okay, i have to admit it, when things are tough, i have to admit to being powerless, or one of my peers calls me out for the exercise of rampant self-will, my first reaction is to lash out and become defensive. i still have an seemingly inherent sense of entitlement and the notion that somehow i am “different” from my peers.

what i am coming to believe is:
• that the ends do not justify the means
• i do not need to lie about my qualifications or who i am.
• if a “project” that i am working on, is meeting resistance in my local community, maybe, just maybe, i need to let it go and make changes to what i am attempting to do. none of those alternatives

it is tough for me to admit that i was wrong and even tougher to go back and cleanup the messes i made when i was so certain that i was without a doubt RIGHT! it is difficult for me to replace self-righteous indignation with humility, even if that is next spiritual step to take.
i accepted a job this week and even though it will be another six weeks before i get a paycheck flowing into my account with any regularity, i am relieved that my days of “idleness” are coming to an end. this weekend, i am not going to do any training, coding or thinking about what comes next. for the first time in two months i am just going to chill and be okay with where i am. on Monday, i will start working on the two coding projects i have left on my plate. i will get back to daily training, perhaps a trip down south to see my sponsor, maybe a meeting or three in the middle of the day, but certainly a huge change of routine from what i have been doing. no more of the incessant phone calls and conversations about how i do not fit the job they are trying to push on me. i do have one more interview on Monday and for right now that will be the last one. the only thing that could make me change my mind about taking my new position is a direct hire that starts on or before March 21st. more will certainly be revealed.
right here and right now it is time for me to be heading to my home group. a workout and my weekly dose of chicken wings is also on the schedule, today. after that? well i am not certain, but i will not be spending the afternoon in front of a computer, pounding away at coding games, exercise or projects. this weekend is for me and enjoying a well deserved break to decompress from that past eight weeks. things are exactly as they are supposed to be, and even if i do not ascribe to the notion that everything happens for a reason, this weekend feels as if it is some sort of reward for pounding the virtual pavement, day after day, and i am going with it.

∞ DT ∞