Blog entry for:

were not at the top of my stack to write about this morning. in fact, i was going to rail on my attempts to deny where i may find that i am powerless and exercise self-will. as i stared to go down that path, i had more than a twinge of doubt about going there and decided that, maybe, for a change, i needed to add a bit of yin to all the yang i usually write about.
the meeting i attended last night was all about the THIRD STEP, the step on which i happened to be quite comfortably ignoring, as i “feel” my way to what i need to write about. what i have been feeling lately, is a firm commitment to my spiritual path and looking for action to live that path through this step. he balance i may feel and choose to ignore, goes to how i see myself. it is difficult for me to share in public, that despite some real big issues in my life, i have more than a bit of serenity and am learning to allow myself to heal. i do not see it as “cool” to be one of those recovery “cheerleaders” who always have a “positive” report. for me, that feels false and disingenuous. i am, however, beginning to see that always finding the tiniest of flaws in anything i do or am, is probably just the same. i am more serene and certainly more healed than i let on, but have developed a self-image, rooted in false humility, that i have to be a “bad” boy of recovery. since relapse is not part of my journey and i do not believe i am“too broken” to be healed, it comes down to sharing about the half-empty glass, even though i am grateful i have the glass to share about. what i am feeling and hearing today, is that i have serenity and healing in my daily existence, ignoring that fact is creating an imbalance in how i see myself and present that self to those around me. allowing myself to be dragged into a swirl of how others see me, or better put how i think that others see me is the core of my obsessive behaviors these days. if i want more for myself and foster my growth in recovery, than i need to let go of the image i am trying to project and project who i am or at least who i think i am, just for today.

∞ DT ∞