Blog entry for:

i first look for ways to exert power against it.
after nearly a thousand words yesterday, i am not quite certain what will come spilling out when the floodgates open this morning. this whole power gig, is a trip for me. more and more i recognize power in all sorts of places where i once believed i had no power. for instance, relationships. EVERY relationship is based on power. some, those that are the healthiest are based of equality of power, and the ebb and flow of the power freely between me and the other person. my sickest ones? well they are based on me getting or giving an excessive amount of power, for whatever motive i may have. looking at those last few statements, the assertion that i am powerless of people is inherently false. some give me their personal power, which the addict within, craves and gobbles up leaving not a single trace behind. that part of me, as we all know is insatiable, and power is almost as good as using to the addict me. i am not powerless over the behaviors as of others either. i can use power and my knowledge and skill at manipulating to create the sort of outcomes i happen to need in the here and now. i am also not powerless over the feelings of others, as i understand how to use my power to evoke the feeling i happen to desire. in the long run, like using, the satisfaction in creating such situations becomes less and less, and i find myself doing it more and more, despite diminishing returns. the rude awakening here, is that i am so apt at describing a dark side of myself, it makes me wonder if i have really gotten any better as a result of the program.
the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind, OF COURSE I HAVE! being able to recognize this behavior is the first symptom of increasing health. i am no longer auto-magically compelled to act this out, and i actually have FAITH that the POWER that fuels my recovery, allows me to see this in all its glory, so i need not choose to live it.
the same sort of argument can be applied to the rest of the tired bromide: ‘ i am powerless over people, places and things.’ it would be better put as: i have limited power… it is up to me how i use that power or not, thanks to STEPS 6 and 7.
as you can tell, i find the whole discussion of power to be one i relish. it was difficult, to say the least, for me to admit that i was powerless over addiction. arriving at that point, i was hopeless as that seemed to imply that things within me were never going to get any better, and i would continue living my life being a personal power broker. seeing the insanity of that, i am coming to believe that can be a choice, and that there is yet another path, allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me direction through the people and events in my life. which brings smack dab up against where i am in my personal recovery program, making the decision to all that POWER to care for my will and my life. framing this discussion in such a manner makes this little rude awakening a whole lot more spiritual and provides me a direction to proceed in this morning. i am on the right track, and i do believe i will do what i need to do, to foster my recovery today, it is a great day to look for something more. and i am not talking about more power, or better put more places to exert my limited personal power, just for today.

∞ DT ∞