Blog entry for:

with not knowing is not the topic suggested by the headline in my daily source material. even as i sat and embraced the void, it still was not what i expected to hear. as i started to fret and fume about the direction i was being taken, i realized that paying attention to what i was feeling and hearing was much m ore important than paying attention to what i thought. hence, this little ditty is all about the nature of what i know, what i do not know and the wisdom to detect the difference.
more than once in this space i have written about HIGHER POWERs, those that i had defined, based on what was expected of me by my peers, those definitions were merely adequate to keep me clean and to foster my spiritual growth towards finding a path that “fit” me. over the years, as the gnawing feeling that i was limiting my growth continued to grow, i finally let go of having to “know” what a HIGHER POWER should be and look like, that act, in and of itself led to where i am today, quiet comfortable knowing that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery. that POWER provides me the opportunities to get all i need on a daily basis, IF i am present to see what is going on around me and accept the gifts that i am, offered, the fact is, one of the things i do not know, is what i actually need to stay clean today and to thrive in my life of active recovery.
today, as i continue to take on the affairs of my Mom, i woke with the notion that all i need to do is have a bit of FAITH in the company i have hired to sell my parent's lifetime collection of things and just let them sell the jewelry, without knowing how to price things. i also had the notion to reach out to my friend who has left the fellowship but has remained clean. i do not know why his response required a response from me, it was just one of those things i felt i needed to do…
it seems that i have run out of stuff to say, so i can close this off with a bit of gratitude that i am much better at being okay with not knowing, than i have ever been. the shape, attributes and powers of the POWER that fuel my recovery certainly falls into the “not knowing” bucket as well as more than half of why i do some of the stuff i do, do on a daily basis. i can say this though, i may not know how or why it works, i do, however, know that it does and that is more than enough for this addict, just for today.

∞ DT ∞