Blog entry for:

to spiritual awakening.
so two nights ago, i felt feelings that seemed uncharacteristic and inexplicable to me. last night, one of my peers shared about how much it hurt him when someone he was working with or had gotten to know and like, stepped away from the program. BINGO, there it was my rude awakening ⇒ spiritual awakening journey.
i was angry the other night, because, it is and has been quite some time my reaction to pain. i had a whole lot invested in my friend and former sponsee and i was pissed that after over a decade of being a part of my life and my recovery, he could apparently so easily walk away fro me. my friend under the auspices of the Boulder County Sheriff? same bat channel, same bat story. i have been hurt by both of them, and although i accept that i am among the very fortunate few, who get this program and want to live my life differently, it does not change the fact that their actions, hurt me. the fact that i have been hiding under a ginormous pile of spiritual camouflage to protect the not quite so pretty TRUTH, leaves even a more bitter taste in my mouth. i want them to stop using and find a new way to live and i want them to do so out of my perception, so i do not have to feel the hurt every time i see them.nice and fVcking spiritual n'est-ce pas? as my friend and peer was talking about last night, i hate the odds and i want to pull back, just hang with those i “know” will make it, as if i have some sort of magic mirror, mirror on the wall, that tells who they may possibly be. recovery is fVcking messy, and pulling back, while on the surface appears to be a solution, it is in the long run, one that will take me back out, and then it will be my turn to show those relapse fVckers what it feels like!
hey, that sounds like a line from active addiction: “see what you made me do!”
so where do i go from here? well acknowledging the at pain is the source of my anger, in these instances and that the FEAR i feel is that everyone i get close to, or invest any of my time in, will relapse, is the first part. i do have a POWER that fuels my recovery and i am beginning to see, why some of my peers, who share a similar number of days clean, step away. it hard to be reminded that in six months there may be no familiar faces in the rooms. it is hard to feel the pain being inflicted upon me, by the ever revolving door to the rooms. and most importantly it is hard to be reminded that although the number of days i have clean, totals into the thousands, i am no less immune from the lapses in my spiritual program that lead to seeing using as a viable and desirable;e option.
my friend in jail? well he will just have suffer the pain of his actions, i will not certainly put on my shiny armor get on my white horse and ride to his rescue, that role is being retired.
my other friend and former peer? well, that has yet to be revealed. what i do know is that i have to let go of any notion that his relapse was to hurt me, embarrass me, or anything to do with me. i have to let go of channeling my pain into anger, because i do not want to feel it. both of them, need to find their own way, and when the time is right, perhaps they will once again be a part of my life, but not today.

∞ DT ∞