Blog entry for:

although i may come off as having my act together and knowing a thing or two, the reality is that when it comes to me i am more than a bit obtuse -- a better description may be that i am downright dense! that being said, i caused my own rude awakening the other day when i was sharing step work with my sponsor. i had carefully and honestly written what i needed to write on the first step questions and he actually asked me to read some of them out loud to him -- not just the chosen few as we had done before. this was not where the issue is, one of my responses prompted a line of conversation that was more than a bit uncomfortable to me. in the course of the discussion it became evident that i am still not totally committed to my relationships with my girl friend nor others who i have allowed to get to know and love me over the course of time. there is still a piece of me that i hold to myself. the root of this behavior is self-centered selfishness. if i do not show you everything, there is a place that i can retreat to and keep myself from getting hurt -- emotionally, and spiritually. and then i can BLAME the other party for the failure of the relationship. so once again i am practicing a behavior that i had developed over time to protect myself from the world around me. the part that really sucks is that i had thought that i worked this out and was ready to move on. i lied to myself about how i was doing and denied the evidence in my face when i was confronted by it by the events in my life.

ARGGGHHHHHHHH

so once again here i am looking for hope and feeling only despair. i know that this too shall pass and i also know that i am right where i am supposed to be, and as comforting as those two ideas are, they really do not lift the despair over this aprt of me. the only thing that can lift this is to actually do the assignment my sponsor gave me and move.
PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION one more day.
and i think i will!
because i do see this as the stepping stone to yet another spiritual awakening.
∞ DT ∞