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naked in full view, is not my favorite event on a given day. i work extremely hard to keep my **naughty bits** under wraps and do my best to deny their existence. i am sometimes so good at doing so, i do not even see them myself. as a friend and peer is apt to say: i will do whatever i can to deny, whatever it is i need to deny, to protect my, **oh so fragile,** ego. right now, i am on the other side of that equation and wondering how to tell someone to stop **sucking up** to me and give me space, while at the same time,. doing my best to encourage someone else to start building a relationship based on mutual respect.
i see these two seemingly different “issues” as having the same root cause: low self-esteem. the former seems to require my approval to bolster their lack of esteem and the latter does not have enough esteem to actually do the work to form a relationship with someone such as myself. neither of them, seem to be getting any notion of what i have been waiting for them to see and are starting to require intervention on my part. i more than was not direct enough with the former and way too overbearing with the latter, approaching neither one of them with any sort of humility or compassion. i am in a “sitting on my hands” phase, waiting for the answer to be put on my heart.
this whole idea of rude awakenings is a topic, i choose to avoid. i really do detest having someone tell me i am doing “it” wrong. i have been known to flee to where no one knows and rebuild a new persona of the “model recovering addict.” the fact simply is, i am a flawed individual, who has no problem using the word try, trying to live this program of recovery to the best of my ability, just for today. i know a sh!t-ton of qualifiers in that last thought, it happens when i am attempting to express what is on my heart and it has to pass through my head, before it gets to its final resting place.
what it is, that is on my heart today, is that regardless of how hard i attempt to keep stuff on the down-low, i will inevitably fail. that failure is actually a success, because that means i allow more people to get to know me and become intimately aware of who and what i am. i am still more than a little closed-off, i make no secret of that. i still am lacking in social graces and would prefer to isolate, rather than participate, in the real world. BUT, each day i live a program of active recovery, i become a little bit less of what i was and a little bit more of who i desire to be.

∞ DT ∞