โ such awakenings often disclose barriers that block me from making spiritual progress in my recovery. โ
Posted: Mon, Mar 5, 2007 07:58:58 AM
once those barriers are exposed, i can work the steps to begin removing them from my life.
however sometimes i like living in the bliss of ignorance and find rude awakenings far to jarring to accept. they usually come from sources that i trust and that makes them even worse. here i am cruising along thinking that i am doing so well and BANG up pops a comment or observation which sends me into a tail spin. it may take me days or even seconds to realize what exactly is being said to me, and then even longer to accept that perhaps they were really talking to me about me. the part of me i call my disease is like that, it likes to cushion me from the realizations that i still have a character defect or three or that i am not behaving according to the values i have come to accept or even worse GASP that i may actually have to do some step work and look at myself.
the source and the content of such comments are usually the first thing i check. that way i can more easily dismiss what is being said to me, rather than actually look to what is being said, in other words i do my best to avoid rude awakenings. i learned over the course of my active addiction that denial and building walls were tools that i could use to protect myself from what was really going on. those tools are still available to me today, even after some time in recovery, and i still can make use of them at will. the path of recovery has given me the tools to replace denial, and i can choose to use the tools of acceptance, surrender and humility to move forward in my spiritual progress, or i can, like the good addict i am, continue to use the tools that allowed me to find the ways and means to protect my fragile self-image from the cold harsh light of reality.
so my choice today? well i think i will move forward with this day and do my level best to accept whatever it brings rude awakening or not!
however sometimes i like living in the bliss of ignorance and find rude awakenings far to jarring to accept. they usually come from sources that i trust and that makes them even worse. here i am cruising along thinking that i am doing so well and BANG up pops a comment or observation which sends me into a tail spin. it may take me days or even seconds to realize what exactly is being said to me, and then even longer to accept that perhaps they were really talking to me about me. the part of me i call my disease is like that, it likes to cushion me from the realizations that i still have a character defect or three or that i am not behaving according to the values i have come to accept or even worse GASP that i may actually have to do some step work and look at myself.
the source and the content of such comments are usually the first thing i check. that way i can more easily dismiss what is being said to me, rather than actually look to what is being said, in other words i do my best to avoid rude awakenings. i learned over the course of my active addiction that denial and building walls were tools that i could use to protect myself from what was really going on. those tools are still available to me today, even after some time in recovery, and i still can make use of them at will. the path of recovery has given me the tools to replace denial, and i can choose to use the tools of acceptance, surrender and humility to move forward in my spiritual progress, or i can, like the good addict i am, continue to use the tools that allowed me to find the ways and means to protect my fragile self-image from the cold harsh light of reality.
so my choice today? well i think i will move forward with this day and do my level best to accept whatever it brings rude awakening or not!
∞ DT ∞