๐ i will loosen ๐
Posted: Thu, Feb 19, 2026 11:16:35 AM
the reins today and become flexible enough to accept the grace that comes my way. today, i am in a good space and am enjoying a coffee and cigar as i write this out. my source material was all about being flexible to accept what life happens to bring me, good, bad or indifferent. the truth is, i was never a flexible sort of person, in fact rigidity and stubborn adherence to what i desired were my watch words throughout my active addiction and in my early recovery journey. when confronted by the twists and turns of life, i blamed everything and everyone else and whined about the injustice of it all. i would then, push back with every trick i had in my bag of tricks, attempting to make things fit better into what i wanted. when all else failed, well relief was just a swallow away.
today, i can see where living that way landed me, in a world of emotional pain, buried under a mountain of playing the blame game and being a victim. i addiction the victim of an unfair and unjust world. in early recovery, the victim of addiction. it took a very long minute to let go of being a victim and begin to become flexible and i can honestly say that process is still ongoing. as i worked with one of the men that calls me their sponsor the other day, i shared that i had moved from resentment into forgiveness for what my Mom did to me and what affect it had on my identity and my self-worth. even though i carried the weight for decades on end, when i got to acceptance and forgiveness, i release the greatest weight of my past that i was still carrying and regained the power i surrendered to her. the fact that my sponsee keeps coming back to is how after decades of carrying that weight, could i move forward without it coming back to haunt me. it does surface from time to time, HOWEVER, i have more than enough self-worth and self-respect to see it for the ghost of what was and no longer a part of the what is and certainly no part of the what will be.
it is time to post this exercise and move along to a meeting. my life today is not as full as it once was, but just for today, it is as full as i want to make it. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to feel the worth of being myself, even if that self is still being revealed to me.
today, i can see where living that way landed me, in a world of emotional pain, buried under a mountain of playing the blame game and being a victim. i addiction the victim of an unfair and unjust world. in early recovery, the victim of addiction. it took a very long minute to let go of being a victim and begin to become flexible and i can honestly say that process is still ongoing. as i worked with one of the men that calls me their sponsor the other day, i shared that i had moved from resentment into forgiveness for what my Mom did to me and what affect it had on my identity and my self-worth. even though i carried the weight for decades on end, when i got to acceptance and forgiveness, i release the greatest weight of my past that i was still carrying and regained the power i surrendered to her. the fact that my sponsee keeps coming back to is how after decades of carrying that weight, could i move forward without it coming back to haunt me. it does surface from time to time, HOWEVER, i have more than enough self-worth and self-respect to see it for the ghost of what was and no longer a part of the what is and certainly no part of the what will be.
it is time to post this exercise and move along to a meeting. my life today is not as full as it once was, but just for today, it is as full as i want to make it. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to feel the worth of being myself, even if that self is still being revealed to me.
∞ DT ∞