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about me, i once believed, of utmost importance to everyone, with whom i shared my life. this obsession with my needs, wants, and desires, colored my world and was one of the sources of my undying hatred at the program and my constant anger at being here. HOW DARE ANYONE, suggest that i had any sort of problem, much less a drug problem. the first time i ever said to anyone that i was an addict was in front of the judge in open court, and i believed that i was committing perjury, to get out of the mess created by someone else. little did i realize, that “lie” was going to shape my life from that day forward and bring to where i am today. these days, i may still find instances of self-obsession hanging on, especially when i witness it in my peers, because they are a mirror into how i see the world.
i have often joked that i “know” enough about my peers to burn the local fellowship down. that is a true fact and sadly, there was once a time where i would have held that knowledge over the heads of everyone not unlike the Sword of Damocles, smiting anyone who dared to cross me. these days what i hear and what i see serves me in a different manner. the good, the bad and the indifferent that i observe one way or another, serves as the springboard for my spiritual growth. i may be at the cosmological “the center of the universe” based on what i can sense, but that does not mean the universe spins around me. even though i am “better” these days my obsession with self, is still present and pops out at the most inconvenient times as feeling “disrespected.” when i hear the words, “do they not realize who i am,” start to form in my head, i know i have moved into self-obsession once again.
doing the next right thing, when no one is paying attention, is my foil to self-obsession. as i sat at the meeting last night, listening to the men, telling their stories of woe and “running and gunning,” i realized that, yes i could have cut them off and brought the focus of what was being shared back to what i “wanted” to hear, BUT that desire was an exercise self-obsession and power. allowing them to be who they are, may not have planted the seed, but it certainly brought me down a notch. i know i was not the “baddest” addict at all, and what i did in self-obsession may not be what they did. in the end though, what we all had in common was that we paid the price for our seats in the rooms, and my task is to provide them a path out of where they are. learning how to let go of what i think i have power over is all part of becoming whole and genuine. just for today, as i enjoy the start of my three day weekend, i may even carry that thought into how i live in this moment.

∞ DT ∞