ฮด this self-centeredness does not cease just because i stop using drugs ฮด
Posted: Wed, Dec 20, 2006 07:20:18 AM
i still feel the need to be the center of the universe from time to time. it is true that the steps help relieve me of that desire by initiating a process that allows me to see what my exact role in the rooms and in the world is. however, i resist the process at almost every turn, whether that resistance is a reaction to fear of change, or low self-esteem, or just not doing the whole enchilada does not matter. there is a part of me that still seeks the attention of all of those people who are in my life, whether they are there for a brief moment or are constant companions, i still want to be catered to, handles and most of all loved. that part of me equates attention to love, and does not seem to understand that i can be loved without being the center of the world around me.
so the reading may speak to self-obsession but what i am feeling and thinking about this morning, is the root causes of that obsession. somewhere somehow i got the notion that everyone must know who i am, the center of the universe, and must bow and scrape to satisfy my every whim. that idea is so firmly ingrained that even nine years after i decided to start this journey, it still pops up periodically. i have many tools to combat this, steps, the loving voices of those with whom i share my recovery and the literature that is the collective wisdom of my predecessors. my job to accept that i am the problem, that i suffer from a condition that centers on self-obsession, and that no matter how long i stay clean, i will be obsessed with myself. sounds hopeless does it not? well the hope i have is that as i progress along the path of recovery, the root of my self-obsession will be removed and i will become less and less self-obsessed. by allowing the recovery process to work the need to be the center of life, the universe and everything will be diminished and i will be better able to face thew world as i am, right at any particular moment without catering to the self-obsessive part of me. and that day may not be as very far off, today i am willing to look at where i need to be ands see where i truly belong and do what is necessary to get my internal landscape to match that of reality. so off to the races and into the cold, snowy world of reality!
so the reading may speak to self-obsession but what i am feeling and thinking about this morning, is the root causes of that obsession. somewhere somehow i got the notion that everyone must know who i am, the center of the universe, and must bow and scrape to satisfy my every whim. that idea is so firmly ingrained that even nine years after i decided to start this journey, it still pops up periodically. i have many tools to combat this, steps, the loving voices of those with whom i share my recovery and the literature that is the collective wisdom of my predecessors. my job to accept that i am the problem, that i suffer from a condition that centers on self-obsession, and that no matter how long i stay clean, i will be obsessed with myself. sounds hopeless does it not? well the hope i have is that as i progress along the path of recovery, the root of my self-obsession will be removed and i will become less and less self-obsessed. by allowing the recovery process to work the need to be the center of life, the universe and everything will be diminished and i will be better able to face thew world as i am, right at any particular moment without catering to the self-obsessive part of me. and that day may not be as very far off, today i am willing to look at where i need to be ands see where i truly belong and do what is necessary to get my internal landscape to match that of reality. so off to the races and into the cold, snowy world of reality!
∞ DT ∞