Blog entry for:

i still feel the need to be the center of the universe from time to time. it is true that the steps help relieve me of that desire by initiating a process that allows me to see what my exact role in the rooms and in the world is. however, i resist the process at almost every turn, whether that resistance is a reaction to fear of change, or low self-esteem, or just not doing the whole enchilada does not matter. there is a part of me that still seeks the attention of all of those people who are in my life, whether they are there for a brief moment or are constant companions, i still want to be catered to, handles and most of all loved. that part of me equates attention to love, and does not seem to understand that i can be loved without being the center of the world around me.
so the reading may speak to self-obsession but what i am feeling and thinking about this morning, is the root causes of that obsession. somewhere somehow i got the notion that everyone must know who i am, the center of the universe, and must bow and scrape to satisfy my every whim. that idea is so firmly ingrained that even nine years after i decided to start this journey, it still pops up periodically. i have many tools to combat this, steps, the loving voices of those with whom i share my recovery and the literature that is the collective wisdom of my predecessors. my job to accept that i am the problem, that i suffer from a condition that centers on self-obsession, and that no matter how long i stay clean, i will be obsessed with myself. sounds hopeless does it not? well the hope i have is that as i progress along the path of recovery, the root of my self-obsession will be removed and i will become less and less self-obsessed. by allowing the recovery process to work the need to be the center of life, the universe and everything will be diminished and i will be better able to face thew world as i am, right at any particular moment without catering to the self-obsessive part of me. and that day may not be as very far off, today i am willing to look at where i need to be ands see where i truly belong and do what is necessary to get my internal landscape to match that of reality. so off to the races and into the cold, snowy world of reality!

∞ DT ∞