Blog entry for:

of self-seeking, self-centered behavior was not suddenly removed, just because i stopped using. in fact, in my case, it got even worse as i attempted to get what i needed from my peers, knowing full well that i was just a recovery tourist that was trying to get my return ticket back to the “life.”this morning as i was moments away from flipping off a car that did not appear to want to stop, even though i was in the crosswalk, it came to me that even with a few days clean, self-obsession is still present in my life. my point here is not to beat myself up about how far i have yet to go, but to illustrate that self-obsession is so ingrained in me, i am still working to have it removed.
the other thing that occurred to me as i was working out, was my transformation from a tourist to a resident, of the recovery world. when i was finally desperate enough to cease fighting and accept that i was an addict. i glommed on to the person who seemed the easiest going and hemmed and hawed my way through asking him to sponsor me. i was mistaken a lot, back in those days and i had asked a card-carrying recovery purist to sponsor me, and he whopped my spiritual ass, more than once. what i learned form that man, i still carry today and although i have become a bit “softer” around the edges, the principles he pounded into me, are still there. what does any of that have to do with self-obsession? here i was provided my first working model of an addict who was working to be a better person and believed addiction was more than just the drugs.
i know i will never achieve anything close to perfect selflessness and any aspirations i may have to reaching that state are mere fantasies. i also know that as i learned to live a program of recovery, i have become less self-obsessed and self-centered, but the core of the part of me i call addiction, still resides right there. yes i am a competitive person and i want to decimate my opponents in fantasy football, gloating all the while. recovery, however, has taught me, that just because i want to “do” something, does not mean i have to do it. i can be concerned for the feelings of those around me and let go of what i once thought i “had” to take, because i was owed it.
life in my skin is not too shabby today and just for today, maybe i can let go of a bit of my self-obsessed desire and see what happens. who knows, i may still get what i want! 😉

∞ DT ∞