Blog entry for:

in giving, i receive much more in return -- and that is a promise i can trust.
self-centered? selfish? self-absorbed? self-entitled? self-obsessed?
well, when i came into recovery, i would have answered no to all of those questions, unless i was talking or thinking of someone else. i may not have thought of myself as caring and giving, but the litany of self-sins would not apply to me. denial is a powerful ally in active addiction and hardly leaves the battle in early recovery. in fact, denial still is a part of me that fights along side with the part of me that i call my addict. so when this particular reading pops up in my e-mail during the annual cycle, it gets me thinking.
what are thinking, you may ask? well for one, am i really less self-obsessed than when i was way back in the day? the answer to that question has to come after reviewing the evidence of my recent behaviors. taking that inventory in public is hardly practicing humility, but after looking over what i have done and to whom i have done it, over the past few weeks, i can say that the record is mixed. yes, i did act selflessly in many situations, but i also acted out of self-interest in a few too! so there is definitely progress as far as that is concerned. when i take that sort of inventory, i need to be sure i am not denying what really happened. the words i watch out for are BUT, HOWEVER and IF ONLY. if any of those creep into my thoughts, i know that i am being dishonest in my evaluation, and it is time to once again knuckle down and do some step work, or go to a meeting or at the very least call my sponsor or a peer in recovery. the honest truth is the person i have always deceived the most is me. that is and has been a fact since the day i became self-aware. i think it is part of the human condition, and the tools to combat it were taught when i was off getting high or something :)).
as always, i feel better when i write this, and i am not such a bad gut after all. the truth is i was probably never that bad of a person, no matter how wrapped up in self i was or remain to this day. yes i am a caring and giving person, and yes my motives for behaving in such a manner may be subject to examination. nevertheless, i do, do the next right thing, most of the time. and as a human, that is the best i can hope for right now, anything more or less would be too much to digest in one thousand words or less. so the next right thing? get to work! TTFN

∞ DT ∞