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and that is a promise i can trust.
okay, it is quite true, there is ONLY a single explicit promise in the fellowship that has given me this new way of life. and yet, here on December 20, there seems to be another. as much as i would like to day, see those bums, they lie all the time, make all sorts of promises and are just fVcking unreliable. the fact is, yes there is just ONE explicit promise, FREEDOM from active addiction. stuff like this, is just gravy, and if one of the other 85% applied the notion of “selfless giving,” i am quite sure that they, like me, would receive more than they gave away.
which sounds sort of self-serving and not quite as pure as the driven snow. after all, how selfless is my giving, if i expect to reap the rewards? just the sort of circular logic that i those on the edges using to disqualify themselves from the PROMISE of FREEDOM. the trick here, at least for me, and there is a bit of a Jedi mind trick, is to act selflessly, with no EXPECTATION of return or reward. yes, i know the POSSIBLE pay-offs, but when i do not expect to get SOME particular reward, ANY return is something to be grateful for, in these instances.
once again, it comes down to expectations and learning to let go of them. yes, like many of my peers, i desire to walk in the grace of serenity, selflessness and possess a singularly giving spirit. the truth, at least for me, is that more than likely, i will never, ever achieve that state. just because i will not get there, does not mean that i should not do what i can to achieve that state. learning to look at the journey, instead of focusing on the destination has been a battle for me, that i often lose. to use a tried old bromide, i am a bottom-line sort of guy, always calculating the payoff for the effort i am putting forth. giving for no reason or a vague promise of some sort of return, just fails on many levels to fit into that paradigm. as a result, i get confused and angry trying to justify why i would want to live by this spiritual principle. i want my reward DAMMIT, and i want it now! when i ponder a bit more on this, i see that is exactly what i am getting. sure it may be intangible and certainly difficult to quantify, BUT it is worth the effort to attempt to do just that. part of that reward is that when i give, i receive a bit more self-worth, a bit more self-esteem and can feel that much more certain that i am on the right, as in correct, path. my world become a bit less cold, and when the time comes to make the decision if today is a good day to stay clean, i can feel that much more certain, that yes it certainty is.
well on this panic Saturday i do have a few things to deal with, so it is off to the showers and maybe, just maybe i will let that tool who is trying to merge, after running the line, in front of me.

∞ DT ∞