Blog entry for:

well a quick update about how i am today. first off thank you Derek, for reminding me that Odin was not just a dawg, he was my friend, companion and a HUGE part of my life for over 11 years. my use of the term just a dawg, is my attempt to minimize what he was to me, so i can try and stop feeling the way i feel.
this morning there i woke up with no memory burned upon my conscious mind, but Kathy and i commented last night when we went to bed about how quiet the house had become. it is not like Odin was loud, but he was a huge presence in our life, and the clicking of his toenails on the tile floor and the grunting he made as he laid down to curl up are sounds i now notice because of the lack of their presence. yes i am tearing up again.
something that occurred to me as i was running yesterday, is that i need to tell someone i love very dearly, that her lack of a filter on Friday afternoon was hurtful. as it is here birthday today, i do not believe i will say anything today, as it is not my intent to match hurt tit for tat, as the saying goes. the sting is still fresh, and in this instance i am taking a lesson from Odin and forgiving what was done and trying to move on. i have FAITH, that the place and time will come., where vi can address this behavior in a loving and kind manner. that time is not now, this is one thing i can be patient about.
so letting go with my obsession with self. quite honestly this is one of the creepiest things that goes on within me. all the attention and love i have been getting feels wonderful. last night i got pissed-off at the meeting and everyone in it because it was not all about me and my grief. imagine the nerve of everyone sharing and not even giving me a chance, i mean really don't they know who i am and what i have gone through?! i saw this in my 10th step last night and the reading finished driving home the point. i am still an addict that love to be the center of attention. self-obsession still is part of my make-up. no matter how many days i have been clean, or steps i worked or sponsees i may have, the addict, with all of its attendant ‘self this and that‘ is still part of me and can use whatever it needs to to rear its ugly head.
one might argue, that since the part of me i call addiction failed to get me to head across the street on Friday morning, it has shifted its tactics and is waging war on yet another front. that argument is sound and one i could buy, if i believed that somehow addiction was an alien force that was not really me. since that is not part of how i see the world, the argument becomes a whole lot uglier. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL, but when given the chance to legally and one might even say justifiably drink, i chose not to. the consequences of that decision, is a cascade of very strong and exhausting emotions. since i decided to allow those to happen, and since i shared openly all of those feelings and received the care i needed from those who love and care about me, i MIGHT AS WELL RUN WITH THAT, MILKING IT FOR ALL IT IS WORTH! so last night, i was protected from myself, by others who may or may not realized that they were helping me. instead of running the show, i had to sit and listen. sitting and listening was not my plan last night, but it was the outcome, and i am glad that a HIGHER POWER took care of me in that instance, and gave me the opportunity to read the reading this morning and see what is going on.
some times it just sucks to be an addict.
today i choose to live. yes that means that there may be more tears in store for me. yes there may be unfamiliar feelings as i come to accept reality as it is now. and yes, there may come an opportunity or two where self-obsession once again rears it head and i act out. all of that is possible and maybe probable, but for right now, i think i will go out for a run and see if a bit of exercise can help clear the cobwebs from my head.
thank you all again for every bit of support you have given me over the past few days. words are not adequate to express my gratitude, but it all i have have so thank you all.

∞ DT ∞