Blog entry for:

the center of the universe and learning to accept, that i am not. there are plenty of ways of looking at who i am and where i fit in the reality of life on its own terms. i would like to and often do, think that i am powerful in all sorts of ways and means. what has been hammered home to me, in the past three weeks, is that my “illusion” of power, is part and parcel of my obsession with self. it is the fact that i am not writing about being powerless, where i am applying what little power i have, even if i have said that before.
i have uncovered the fact that i still have a value based system of determine whether or not i need to feel a feeling. the whole notion that SAD = BAD, comes from the culture that i was born into and has always been a notion that lingers around in my head. the fact of the matter is, when i am living my program, those value judgements about feelings, fade into the background noise. the fact that my day's work is not satisfying and that i cannot win a fantasy football championship, plays into obsession with self. here the tune is a bit different , but is is familiar. that refrain goes something like: acceptance of who i am, means that i have to settle for what i already have, why bother trying to be anything more. if this is the best it is going to get, is this recovery gig really paying off, after all a little dab of this and for twenty minutes i can be anything i DESIRE.
obsession with self, is certainly a slippery slope and for me it begins with settling for being less than what i can be.the holidays, the grief of loss, seasonally affected depression, all add up to a witch's brew of feelings that are hard for me to live with, today. that foul mixture that is bubbling and brewing is doing nothing to advance my journey to becoming something more, and yet here i sit, willingly accepting the consequences, because the alternative seems to be far too daunting for me to conquer. so exactly where does that leave me?
well for one, at a time when i need to decide, which road to take. one destination is clear: back to active addiction, the other? well that other destination has never been clear and is actually unimportant, it is the journey of living a program of active recovery, that is where i need to focus. the choice is therefor, a clear and undesirable destination or a murky destination, but a journey that will certainly make my life a better than it is today. with that in mind, it be the time to head on down to the office to see what i can get done, on this last day of work in that particular office. it si a great day to be clean and a better one to make a decision and implement that decision, by doing the action moving forward requires.

∞ DT ∞