Blog entry for:

believing it was the only way to live. such self-centeredness does not cease just because i stop using drugs. okay right from the start i must say, that statement seems a bit harsh and does not offer a whole lot of HOPE as it is. i could spin it so it offered a bit of HOPE, but spin is not how i work today. there is however another way of tempering that statement with some HOPE and encouragement and that is to look at my experience since arriving at the place that i was truly ready to totally surrender to the FIRST STEP and accepting a life in recovery.
if this statement is true, what is the point, after all, i have a few days clean, and if i am not getting any better, in other words IF i am still the same self-centered asshole who walked int the rooms, then a better way to spend my life, would be to seek a different path. even our literature is clear on this matter; "IF it is not practical it is not spiritual!"
well that statement is true, i have not become totally selfless, just because i stopped using drugs. i can be and still am self-centered more of the time than i care to admit or even own up to, that is just how it is. what i have received as a result of practicing a program of recovery, is that i can see some when i am acting in a self-centered manner, sometimes even in the moment, and make corrections. in a word, i am less self-centered and less self-absorbed than the day i walked into the rooms. yes there is very little hope that i will ever be totally freed from being self-centered, as that is not only part of being an addict, BUT part of the human condition. my experience has been that as i progress through the steps, as i stay clean and as i stay present for what is going on inside of me as well as around me, i GET to be a little bit less self-centered, my motives become a little bit more altruistic and i become a little bit better person. there is a huge caveat to all of this. the first part being that i need to continue to be abstinent from the use of drugs, if i DESIRE this transformation to continue. the second part being that this transformation into something more, which includes being less self-centered, can only continue if i keep working a program of active recovery. yes i can get better, BUT i have to keep doing what i have been doing, there is no easier, softer way to becoming less self-obsessed, after all i am standing at the center of the universe, quite literally, as a result, i need to minimize my impact on all the rest of those who are standing at the center of the universe as well. life is much easier when i choose to do so. so after a late start, the time has come to pound a few miles this morning and see what that takes me to next.

∞ DT ∞