Blog entry for:

is not on the top of any to-do list, on most days, even though by attempting to live a program of active recovery, that is what i do. as i look to possibly win the first round of play-offs in my fantasy league, i can see that my obsession with self and my “team” has paid off, at least this far. that does not give me license to extend that same obsession to myself and in all matters that surround me. i am not some sort of rock, or island, these days and any fantasies i once had about being so, have long ago vanished in the smoke and mirrors that marked my world in active addiction. my biggest concern today is how am i going top move into a place of acceptance that things will continue to change and not necessarily for the better, as my Mom ages and i deal with the grief of my first set of holidays without my Dad. my first lesson in grief after a bit of clean time, happened eleven years ago but equating that event to the passing of my Dad, seems a bit far-fetched, even though the feelings are very similar.
i have to admit, grieving and being sad are two emotions that i did my best to suppress for what seems like forever. unfortunately for me, then, like now, those same feelings came out sideways as self-righteous anger and rage, which i had accepted as a viable alternative, or would have accepted, if i was actually capable of paying attention, back in the day. as i am so much “better” now, they come out as all sorts of different shortcomings and cause all sorts of little messes that i need to attend to, on a daily basis. 🤮 perhaps after finally taking the initiative to call my sponse and following through with the action i NEED to take, i will be able to allow myself to grieve and be okay, instead of trying to put that in its “place.”
i have very few illusions left, that i am the center of the universe, even though form my perspective i literally see the universe with me being in the center. seeing myself there and expecting the universe to revolve around me, are two different things. although it is certainly more than likely that self-obsession is part of every human being's make-up, i know that in active addiction, i took it to extremes. only through living a program of recovery has that obsession been brought into check and i GET to become more of a part of that very same universe, connected on the many levels that life currently offers me,. just for today.

∞ DT ∞