Blog entry for:

ok i am having a bit of trouble writing this little piece of self-centered rambling today. every time i think i have a path to go down i end-up in yet another dead end, kind of like my life in active addiction. a million false starts and no answers or solutions except that it was best just to use. and right now i feel it is just best to write whatever happens to come out.
so when i think about self-obsession one of the things that i come back to is this little blog. when i started this project way back when it was meant as a place to write about whatever i saw happening in the world, over time it has evolved into a whole different animal and i have come to enjoy having a place of my own where i could say anything i wanted to with no responsibility at all, a perfect example of self-obsession, i get to say what i like and if i do not like what is said back to me i can always delete the response leaving my opinions and feelings unchallenged, i actually have a bit of power here and i could choose to exercise it. here on this little corner of the world-wide web i am the center of the universe and i make no apologies for that.
extrapolating that little fact to my life in general and my relationships with those around me does not go quite as smoothly. i cannot control, edit or delete the world around me to suit my particular fancy although at one time i not only believed that was possible, i exerted great effort in doing just that. those attempts at control and believing that i am entitled to more than i am getting, is what obsession with self is all about in my not so humble opinion. yes i needed some extra love and attention when i got here and got that in abundance from the members who were already sitting in the rooms. the problem for this addict was that i as i got a bit of time they did not love me any less but made me do more for myself. i had to be taught about those heinous spiritual principles of self-acceptance, self-respect and humility and how they all fit together to create the person i am becoming through the recovery process.
do i think i am still the center of the universe? some days, but thank GOD i have friends and peers to disabuse of that notion.
do i still believe i am entitled to everything i desire? most of the time, but i have a tenth step to dispel that silly illusion.
do i still get put-out and cranky when i am contradicted? you bet, but i have a sponsor and closed-mouth friends that i can whine to and who will tell me what is really going on.
am i getting better at moving beyond self-obsession? YOU BET! but alas the process is on-going and i am still on the journey and have yet to reach that destination.
so in the meantime i get to be an arrogant, self-centered, self-willed person from time to time and clean up the consequences of that mindset. and having that ability to choose my behaviors is something that i am very grateful for, at least right here and right now.
∞ DT ∞