Blog entry for:

the less satisfied i will be with my friends, my sponsor, and everything else. this morning, as i rush to get everything done, even though i really did not sleep in, i aver a moment to ponder how far i have come. am i totally selfless? no the Mother Teresa award is not in my meditate future, nor will a Nobel Peace Prize or anything remotely similar. what is in my future, is that today, i GET to live my life by the spiritual principles i have been given and as a result, if i am diligent, i will less self-obsessed and self-absorbed. better still, IF i make it through today, without using, i have a chance to start tomorrow off in the same manner. it really is that simple, so 'nuff said, time to move along.
the themes of self-obsession has been recurrent over the past few days, as i prepared to leave one place and start a new job, as i tried to cover my a$$ with the side jobs i have on the table and as i tried to satisfy everyone and everything and yet still meet my own needs. there is this theme that goes around the rooms, every now and again, about IF i am totally selfless, i MUST be doing something wrong. it is very rarely articulated directly and yet i hear it all the time. things like “GOD willing i will be clean so many years three days from now;” and “all of what i have gotten in recovery is a gift from GOD.&@8221; the minimization of my effort at recovery, seems to be what i think others want to hear. as i start to warm up to this topic, i see that false humility and not owning what i have done, is a trap as well and plays directly into my shortcoming of looking better than i actually am. yes, i am powerless over my addiction BUT i am not powerless over my recovery. i may not be able to control my feelings, BUT through step work, abstinence and the application of spiritual principles in my life, i can control HOW i react to those feelings. yes the trappings of a normal life, that i greatly enjoy are a gift from recovery, but it was me, who went to college, who chooses to get up and show up, who pays the bills and who participates in everyday living, not some sort of mythic and nebulous entity. yes i can be a selfish, self-centered and self-obsessive asshole, but i can also be loving, kind and yes even selfless as well. today BECAUSE of the program, the POWER that fuels my recovery and THE EFFORT I HAVE PUT IN on a daily basis, the man i have always wanted to be, gets to come out juts that much more.
anyhow, gotta run to Boulder to start my new gig. IT IS A GREAT DAY TO BE CLEAN and to be a better man than yesterday.

∞ DT ∞