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with others, never seemed to be part of my DNA. as i multi-task my way through this exercise this morning, i am bummed that i lost in the first round of play-offs last night and no longer contending in my fantasy football league after quite the run. i could have and should have done a whole lot of stuff different, such as trusting my gut last Thursday night when i considered swapping out the “suggested” wide receiver for the one i thought might do better for me. this whole week, i took the suggestions that were offered instead of following my gut and got a result that is far from acceptable to me. 😭 😭 😭
moving into letting go of self-obsession, i can say that i spent the night going over what i did wrong, time and again, instead of allowing myself the luxury of restful sleep. what i wanted and felt i needed kept screaming at me, so this morning as i sat, i finally let go of what is not and started to embrace the what is, specifically moving beyond a silly game that carries very little weight in the real world and does not affect the esteem or respect of my friend or peers. sure, i may face a few good-natured jibes, but in reality it was the experience of the season and not the end result that really make it worth it for me. the fact is, i had fun with my friends. i got to give shit and certainly take shit and even if i am not seven hundred dollars richer, it only cost me one hundred dollars for fifteen weeks of doing something different.
today, i am trying to finish my task and have had to send my files over to my lead to see what, if anything, i did wrong. he wanted me to commit my changes, but i have a boat load of commits that are waiting to be pushed that are not yet working correctly and will break my team mates local environments. being considerate of their work is not something i am used to doing, as i often see myself to be more significant that those with whom i work. the fact is, when i came to recovery, everyone else was less significant than i was, in my not so humble opinion. today, for the most part, i see myself as a peer to most everyone in the world. i may find myself being tacky and less than stellar with my Mom at times, but < INSERT a big juicy rationalization here > that is just a reaction to the feelings that i had repressed for decades and soon enough, she too will join the pantheon of my peers. for now, i think i will post this little ditty, dress out and get some steps under my belt, even though my watch will tell me that i will gain far more elevation than i actually do. just for today? well, just for today, i can be okay with sharing my world with others and allowing them to share their's with me.

∞ DT ∞