Blog entry for:

an interesting trip through pain and happiness, and i often wonder if i am being tested. the fact that any of us have to suffer pain is part of the nature of this existence. i, myself do not believe that i am being tested when life happens. it is not part of my belief system that GOD is cruel, capricious or constantly testing my resolve to recover. rather it is me who tests my true will to be on the path of recovery by behaving in rather ignorant ways. it is not GOD who chooses to hang out with people i know that use. it is not GOD that tells me that i do not need to step work or attend meetings. it is not GOD who does not call another recovering addict when i am twisted. it is not GOD who tells me i do not have to pay my bills and taxes. it is not GOD who uses my credit cards for a quick fix. and it certainly is not GOD who tells me that maybe, just maybe i am not an addict today and i can use just this once without returning to active addiction.
yes, shit happens, over the course of my recovery i have lost a few close friends and relatives to the ravages of disease, accidents and age. and yes i felt awful, empty and could not understand why these people had to be taken from my life. but i stayed clean and these losses actually provided me with the experience to share with others about how to stay clean NO MATTER WHAT!
i do believe that i am loved and have the FAITH i need to carry forward each day, confident in the knowledge that if i CHOOSE to SURRENDER my will and my life into the CARE of that HIGHER POWER, everything will be just as it is supposed to be, pain and suffering and all.
it would be nice to think of life as a series of tests, on which i am graded and that i get rewarded each and every time i face one of these tests. but that is an over simplification that i am not willing to accept today. LIFE JUST IS and that fact i can accept and integrate into my program of daily recovery.

∞ DT ∞