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not a test!
dammit all, take 3, my fat fingers did it once again, i think i need to take a break, get some lunch and come back to this. if this was, i would have certainly FAILED real bad. i can say though, more than once i have seen my FAIL as some sort of divine indication that i SHOULD be doing something else!
okay, that something else being done, in fact all my something “elses” being done, i can finally sit down and concentrate on what came to mind this morning as i was sitting. in fact i got a text from a friend, about the consequences of a bad behavior we share. which after i went looked at it, got me thinking about tests, authority and who do i have in my circle of friends.
when i started this journey through this set of steps, i had no one shy of a decade clean, as close friends. i was certainly okay with them being my peers, but as friends, the newest of the new just did not gravitate towards me. i was certainly more than okay with that and even though i would speak kindly and with warmth, to those who approached me, they always seemed to walk away. i was certainly glad that there were among my peers, those who do nothing but chase the FNGs down. i was certain that If i was being tested by the POWER that fuels my recovery, i was getting a barely passing mark. over the past three years or so, something inside has changed, and now i have friends that are barely a year clean and sponsees, that have less than five. it is true, that for the most part the men i sponsor, have over a decade clean and some of the revolving door types, i have let go, as i have discovered that i have no new insights or experience to give them. the test for me, is the one i impose, namely “is there anything else i can say or do, to help them find their way?”
honestly for one, that is a NO. for the other two, a big MAYBE. they are not some sort of cosmic test, to see if i can be spiritual enough to bring them back into recovery, and i have actually come to the place that i am more powerless over their addiction, than i am over my own. at least i can do what has proven to keep me clean, day in and day out, in other words those basics have passed the test with flying colors.
have i passed this set of cosmic tests or jokes? well, in my view of the world, that question has no answer, as tests are not part of my belief system. as i drew away from predetermination and the Western concepts of Abrahamic religions, i became more certain that life is life. the unpleasantness is just a set of circumstances or some other human acting as if they were me, in my active addiction. i am quite certain, that if i continue to practice a program of active recovery i will continue to get the spiritual abundance i need to stay clean. i am also quiet certain that if i do not drive 115 MPH on the interstate, the Weld County cops will not be pulling me over, a least for that 😀
so before i fat finger this once again i will sign-off with this:

GO BRONCOS
KICK SOME PANTHERS A$$!

∞ DT ∞