Blog entry for:

that fuels my recovery is good, and that i am loved.
that statement, in and of itself, embodies so much irony for me, that i can barely stand it. i mean seriously, since i choose to remove any sort of personification from the my view of the POWER that fuels my recovery, the terms “will for me” and love, have no meaning in that context, and yet i use them for lack of anything better.
with that little bon mot out of the way, i can move forward into my brain drain this morning. the evolution of my take on divinity, leaves me in a different place than my peers, who look to a religious definition. for me, what is, just is. life happens, and the events that transpire through my life, are generally caused by me making decisions. if i choose to cruise 80 MPH on ice, and end up flipped upside down in a ditch on the side of HWY 119, it is not the will of a capricious HIGHER POWER, it is simply the result of me being stupid. if i choose to overeat and become obese, it is not because i was predestined to be heavy, it is because i allowed addiction to take over a normal and healthy activity, and use food to change the way i feel. if my Mom or Dad, passes away, it is not cosmic punishment for something i did or did not do, it is just part of the cycle of life. to believe anything else, in any of those instances, is selfish and self-serving. although i may view the universe from its center, it does not mean that the universe revolves around me. i really have to laugh, when some of my peers take on this whole HIGHER POWER issue and say things like if you want to hear God laugh, make plans. how self-centered is that statement?
which brings me back to the program part. given that the lack of a better term, what is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery? well, in most of that i am totally clueless, and i am more than okay, not knowing. one thing i know for certain, is part of that will, is for me to stay clean and in recovery today. that belief, and i cannot call it anything but belief, is founded in the evidence of the series of coincidences, misfortunes and adventures that led me to the rooms, and kept my a$$ in the chairs, long enough for me to accept the fundamental truth about myself: i am an addict. so will i have a job at the end of business today? will an asteroid strike my house and make me homeless? will terrorists strike Moe's Bagels and destroy my work place as well? will Yellowstone explode? as absurd as those questions may seem, they are not far away from what some of my peers talk about when they look to the will of the POWER that fuels their recovery. there really, in my not so humble opinion, a universal conspiracy to keep me sick, broke, unhealthy and without a future. GOD, as you have it, does not test my FAITH. i do not see myself as some sort of modern day JOB or JONAH. i see myself, as an addict, who has decided that just for today, i will stay clean and do whatever it takes to stay clean. for this addict, that means asking for the power to stay clean. then i must seek to get that power from the people and institutions that i interact with in the course of today, because that is how the POWER that fuels my recovery operates. i have to be awake and willing to grasp the opportunities as they are presented to me, and not sleepwalk my way through today. for me, if i do that, i know today will be a good day, no matter what comes down the pike.

∞ DT ∞