Blog entry for:

... of my recovery, my faith or me sanity! at least that is how i see it. i may test myself by doing silly behaviors such as going out with old friends to bar to go dancing, or asking GOD to prove HIS existence through some sort of sign, but my belief structure does not allow me to believe that GOD has anything but the best intentions for me. after talking to another addict about his crisis in FAITH and the recovery process in general over the weekend, i have come to appreciate the mental gymnastics i go through when i am facing difficulties in my life.
i can do and think the most amazing things when faced with one of the speed bumps that my path through this world presents, you know, this must be punishment for past transgressions, or GOD is cruel and capricious, so what is the point. and as i approach this spot where my FAITH is challenged, i need to remember that things happen and LIFE just is. i do not believe that GOD is santa claus providing gifts only if i have been good and sending coal (life's little disasters) when i have been bad. by going back to the foundation of my FAITH as i have come to see it, i can get through anything clean! this is my only HOPE and the basis for doing what i need to, to keep my disease in remission. i have the humility these days to realize that i am not JOB and will probably never reach sainthood. i am after all just another addict, doing the best i can to stay clean, and a flawed human with a limited understanding of things beyond my ken trying to make sense of what i can and cannot perceive.
and for me that is more than enough today.
∞ DT ∞